Sunday, October 21, 2012

Loop

These mid-life crisis are coming at faster and faster intervals.  I expect they will compound upon each other until they reach the frequency of a vertical line going on and on for infinity on my 40th birthday.

Here's how they play out:

1. Something reminds me that I am mortal: I find a grey hair.  I injure myself doing something like sleeping wrong.  Someone very old turns out to be born in the same year as me.

2.  Something reminds me that I've wasted my life: Someone I know achieves something.  I fail at something.  Someone much younger than me has a plan.  Someone older than me has completed their plan.  I have no plan.

3. Something reminds me that life is short: Is it fall again already? What happened to summer? What happened to Korea? How long ago was I in Spain? College wasn't that long ago was it? This year is my 20th high school reunion.

4.  Something reminds me that I still have time: I'm still breathing.  My heart is beating.  Clearly not dead.  Maybe if I start now, I could change a few small things and it will all be better.

5.  Something reminds me that I've done this all before: Didn't I look into this degree? Too many prerequisites.  That university was too expensive.  I thought I could stand that job.  Clearly I forgot who I was dealing with.  I can't stand anything.  Why did I give up on playing the piano?

6.  Something reminds me that this can all wait: There's something good on TV.  I need to eat.  I need to sleep.  Someone needs me.

7.  Then something makes me remember all over again: Is that another grey hair?  Why does my shoulder hurt? And now my knee.  No. That woman can't be the same age as me.  Look at her.  She's so fucking old.  That can't be me.

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