Saturday, September 29, 2012

Growing Up

People with kids can't even comprehend how weird it is to watch them grow up.  They basically metamorphosize from a tiny, flabby little hairless ball of demands into a bigger, thinner, harrier ball of demands.  Not quite as dramatic as butterflies, more like caterpillars that turn into grown up-type caterpillars.

One of my caterpillars is about to turn 15.  

I have no idea where this is coming from.  Where did she get the idea that this was OK? 

It's kind of like when you're watching a movie, but it's really hard to pay attention to anything for more than 30 seconds so you start checking facebook, or looking for something to eat and then all of a sudden something really exciting happens and you're like, "WHAT THE FUCK! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?" only this is real life and my baby is about to turn 15!! WHAT THE FUCK! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

She can DRIVE! In just a few short years she'll be off to college! The whole thing is just shocking really.

The fact that she rudely decided to become 15 means that she rudely caused me to be 15 years older and that has caused some mid-life crisis issues to surface.

Like, I am frighteningly close to turning 40.  Why? Why do I have to do that? I don't think it's fair.  People like me shouldn't have to get old.  There really should be exceptions.

Making it worse is Mr. Superfantabulous who had the goddamn nerve to be born two years later than me.  Meaning I will turn 40 first.  Why? Why are there people who are allowed to be born after me? That also does not seem fair.

To make matters unbearable, I had the misfortune of being the first born.  Even more terrible, my younger sister was born EIGHT years after me!!! Why? Why do I have to be the older sister and not the much younger sister?! Also, she worked hard and has an impressive career thus rendering me the derelict nutjob older sister.  What. A. Bitch.

Meanwhile, I've devoted the entirety of my life to creating free time.   I've cut so many corners, my life has become a never ending circle of sameness.  That's why this sudden 15 year old business is such a shock.  And my imminent 40 year old-ness is an even worse shock.

I should stop saying it's imminent because it's not that imminent and when I think of it as imminent, my lungs kind of stop working.

Also, I think I should note for everyone's benefit, but especially my own, that I've lived in Spain and South Korea and my kids held a panda in China and even if my domestic life is kind of lame, in that I work entry level jobs and my favorite show is Basketball Wives, I'm still incredibly amazing in every way.

Yeah.  That.

7 comments:

Sarah said...

And I aspire to be you! Who is lamer?

T said...

I've seen every episode of Basketball wives maybe we can do a weekly review. We could have a betting pool on fights, attractiveness power rankings, and we can speculate on net worth.

SuperFantabulous said...

Sarah, you should! We can move around the world and hate every single thing about everything forever

SuperFantabulous said...

T- Evelyn and I would be BFFs and I would get my ass kicked at least twice by Tammy.

Blackchild said...

Evelyn will turn on you in a new york minute. I don't think you have what it takes to run with the big dogs of Basketball Wives. You should start with the Real Housewives of Atlanta work your up (which mean hone your hair pulling and bottle throwing) to Love and Hip Hop (New York not Atlanta) move onto Basketball Wives LA and then you might be ready to run with the big dogs. Tell your husband to get a better job so you can become the vapid socialite we all know you were destined to be.

SuperFantabulous said...

Shut up about Real Housewives. Those girls are just spoiled assholes. That's not who I am. I AM A BASKETBALL WIFE MIAMI! NOT LA!! Those LA girls are too sane (except Jackie who's crazy in an annoying way)

Of course, Evelyn would hate me at first and she'd probably throw a bottle at me, but that's just how she makes friends.

But I'm not dumb enough to tell Susie who I think is 'loose' or 'bougie', so there would be no need for bottle throwing, table jumping, or hair pulling.

If anything did happen though, I know enough to get my weave pulling fingers ready whenever they pull out their earrings or take of their shoes.

I would definitely have to work on my wardrobe though because I don't own a single maxi dress or heels. And a basketball husband would be nice too.

Mister Baekseju said...

I am wearing a "Cougar Hunger" T-Shirt right now.

Coincidence? I think not.