Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Ring

If you are a human in America, you are probably aware that Mother's Day happened a few weeks ago.  I am too.  In fact, I was so keenly aware that MY celebration lasted two days instead of the usual one.  People cleaned the house, brought me dinner, let me control the TV, so basically it wasn't that much different than any other day . . . UNTIL . .

As you probably aren't aware, Mr. AwesomeCool and I recently had our 15 year anniversary.  I forgive you.  I kind of tend to forget too.  But this one is kind of a milestone, so I made a decision.

"Hey.  I want a wedding ring." I told him as I googled sparkly rocks attached to shiny bands.

"Why?"

"Because we've been married 15 years and you never bought me one and you can probably afford one now."

Please note.  I am not the type to spend money on anything that doesn't serve a specific, necessary purpose.  Jewelry is not one of those things.  I never wear ANY.  NONE! I find it annoying to have things hanging off me in random places.  Also, I'm prefect just as I am and require no further adornment.

But suddenly a nice ruby ring set in platinum was at the top of my wish list. 

Please further note.  It physically hurts me to spend money.  Sure, I'll buy a pair of too small jeggings then torture myself by dieting to fit in them, but only as long as they were an AMAZING bargain.  In fact, now that I think about it, I have never ONCE bought an article of clothing at full price. Not once!!

So when I said "I want a ring." I obviously meant, "I want a cheap, but extremely sparkly ring."

Strangely, Mr. AwesomeCool only heard, "I want a ring."

Well.  There was no ring for our anniversary.

Naturally I forgot about the whole thing.  Having a sparkly wedding ring turned out to be something I could totally live without.

Then came Mother's day.

And . . . Surprise! A ring!

It was a thick gold band with rubies and diamonds.

Not really what I had in mind, but he tried.  I could at least be nice about it.

"I don't like it.  It looks like a man's ring." I said, "Take it back. How much was it?"

"Ummmm . . . Don't worry about it." He said, "We can't return it, but you can exchange it."

I instantly became terrified by his evasiveness.  He better not have spent more than a hundred dollars!!

"HOW MUCH WAS IT!"

"Ummmm . . . You don't want to know."

Nothing made me want to know more!

"HOW MUCH WAS IT!!!!"

Now he looked terrified.  I became certain that he had done something absolutely horrible.

"200?"I said quietly.

He shook his head

"300?"

He shook his head

"500!?!?"  If he didn't go over $500 I promised myself I would kill him quickly, without suffering.

He shook his head.

"More than 500???"

He nodded.

He was right.  I didn't want to know.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?" I asked.

"Because I thought for once in 15 years I should get you something nice."

That's what saved his life.

"Well, if it was that much, I might as well get one that I like." I said reaching unprecedented levels of zen in not relieving him of his man-parts right then and there.

Anyway, what's done is done, right? And we cant return it so  . . .

We went to the jewelry store.  

I started looking at rings.  I decided I wanted something antique, platinum and less mannish.  The jeweler showed me many rings.  Anything over 500 I adamantly refused to even look at.

"Don't worry about the price." AwesomeCool said.

"Why?" I asked.

He shrugged, "Because it was a lot more than $500."

"HOW MUCH WAS THIS RING?"

"1,600."

I was so shocked that the only thing I could think of to do was trade in my $1,600 dollar ring in for an antique, 18 kt platinum, ruby and diamond encrusted ring that cost $2,200 dollars.  THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING SHOCKED!

When it was all over and done, I didn't cry, but I came damn close.  

OH HOW IT HURT! $2,200 on sparkly rocks? What was I thinking? Why did I do it? I made everything so much worse!

I couldn't sleep.  I hated that expensive ring.  I wanted it gone.  I waned my $2,200 back more than anything in the world.

Naturally, my misery was accompanied by a good dose of neurosis.  An idea entered my head and I became completely obsessed: It wasn't even real! What if the ring was a fake and we spent all that money on literally nothing!?

"We have to get it appraised." I said.

"Fine." AwesomeCool said, probably regretting nothing more than attempting a nice gesture in honor of mother's day.

I found some guy that would do it for free.  I mean if you've just thrown away 2,200 why make it worse by paying for a professional to let you know how badly you were ripped off?

"These rubies are made in a lab." He said, "This is definitely not antique.  This is not platinum, and it's 14 kt not 18, these diamonds are single cut.  I'd say it's worth about 1,500."

Shit.  Why am I always so right? It really is a burden.  You're lucky it doesn't happen to you as frequently as it happens to me.

I made a decision.  One way or another we would get our money back.  "NO RETURN POLICY" BE FUCKED!

I did research.  I copied receipts.  I wrote down the laws the evil jeweler that sold us that ring had violated.  I wrote down the phone numbers of various agencies that I could totally tell on him to. 

I decided we should pay for a more official-type appraisal to wave in his face as I threatened him with some kind of legal action and said lies like, "I have a lawyer!"

The second appraiser disagreed with the first on a few minor details, "These rubies are real, but that's not platinum.  It's absolutely not antique.  I'd sell it for 1,200 to 1,700 depending on my mood."

(Please note: Be careful not to annoy your jeweler or you will pay more.)

He ended up not charging us for his opinion, but told us we should try to return the ring and if the guy didn't let us to come back for a piece of paper containing his official findings.

We went to the Evil Jeweler.  He was closed.  What typically inconvenient behavior for that guy!

We came back the next day ready for war!!  (I might have been slightly more ready than AwesomeCool as is my nature.)

The jeweler's son was there.  His extremely tan, steroid enhanced body might have scared/distracted me had I not been out for blood. 

"Do you need the ring sized?" He asked, like some kind of idiot.

"Actually we want to return it."  I said, "We went to two separate jewelers and they both agree that this ring is NOT antique, it is NOT platinum, it is NOT 18 kt and those might not even be real rubies!" 

Oddly, his Evil Jeweler dad happened to call at just that moment,

"Talk to him." Tan/Steroid son said, handing the phone to AwesomeCool.  Double oddly, the Evil Jeweler was in the back of the store.  Why was he calling? We will never know because that was not the purpose of our visit.

The Evil Jeweler came to the front.

"What is the problem?" He asked.

I repeated what the problem.

"I didn't say it was antique." The Evil Jeweler said.

"Anybody could tell that was not an antique ring." The muscle-bound Tan-boy interjected.

"Not people who don't know anything about jewelry!" I answered.  Yes! The classic, "we're fucking idiots" defense!  I'm sure he was impressed by my logic.

"I did not say that was antique." The Evil Jeweler said again, "We looked at many rings, I must have been talking about another one."

For the record, that is a lie.  I specifically asked him if that ring was antique and he said yes.  I asked what year and he said 1920's which greatly contributed to my shocked desire to buy it.

"YOU DID TOO SAY THAT RING WAS ANTIQUE!" I reminded him.

"Anyone could tell that wasn't an antique ring." Muscle-bound Tan-boy re-interjected.  What's wrong with that guy? I already explained to him that we're idiots!! Why can't he get it through his idiot head?

"This is the first time we've bought expensive jewelry! We can't tell the difference!!" I answered, again.

"We just want to return the ring." AwesomeCool interjected, sensing that my temper might cause them to throw us out of the store or call the police or something.

"Well we don't usually accept returns." Muscle-bound Tan-boy said.

"But we feel the ring was misrepresented.  We just want our money back." AwesomeCool said cooly.

"But I never said that ring was antique!" The Evil Jeweler said AGAIN.

"Yes you did! I asked you about that ring and you said it was antique!" I yelled, emphasizing with a good finger-pointing, "I ASKED YOU SPECIFICALLY IF THAT RING WAS ANTIQUE AND YOU SAID IT WAS!"

"OK! GIVE THEM THEIR MONEY BACK!" The Evil Jeweler shouted to Muscle-bound Tan-boy.

So they did.  Muscle-bound Tan-boy had a hard time figuring out the math so we stood there awkwardly for about 10 minutes while his dad hovered.

"So minus the deposit and add the tax . . . " The Evil Jeweler said.

"DAD! I got it! Just leave me alone!"

(Turns out he didn't because we ended up with a 22,000 credit on our card.  Just a little more than we expected so they were thrilled when we came back to sort it all out.)

So next time you're at the jeweler about to spend a significant amount of money to show your special someone how much you love her . . . don't.  Just, don't.

4 comments:

James said...

I wish I had met you 15 years ago, when I was 8, so that I could have made you an awesome macaroni necklace.

bitches love my macaroni art.

SuperFantabulous said...

When you were eight I was already much too old to be accepting awesome macaroni necklaces from boys who are not my children :(

Sling Khidorah said...

Come on, one is never too old to refuse macaroni necklaces.

Berly said...

You need to stop shopping in the child's section.

"Sure, I'll buy a pair of too small jeggings then torture myself by dieting to fit in them . . ."

They don't make "diet" salad greens, do they?