Friday, May 4, 2012

Peanut Butter is Diet Food

So as you may or may not know, my close, personal friends at BodyRock.Tv, Zuzana and Freddy have broken up! As shocking as this news may be, there's more.  There is a new host named Lisa Marie who is (and I didn't think this was humanly possible) more cut and has less body fat than Zuz.  

I took one look at her and said, "I want to go to there."

It was time to go on a diet.  I called my sister.  I had a goal body fat percentage of 0% to reach and she was just the person to help me go to there.

She said something about there being 3,500 calories in a pound of fat and blah, blah, blah . . . (who has time to listen to people who know what they're talking about when you have a diet to start?)

After tuning her out 2 seconds into the conversation and performing 2 seconds of research and lot's of listening to my own intuition, I decided that high protein, low carb vegan was the way to go.  

I bought a mountain of vega protein and 50 jars of Whole Foods brand peanut butter (with added fat) and guzzled them both like they were going out of style because I obviously needed at least 120 grams of protein a day and fat and calories had nothing to do with anything.  Obviously.

After a few weeks, I had definitely gained muscle, but I did not look like I was anywhere near my goal of 0% body fat.  In fact, I looked like I might have gained a few percentage points.  

I consulted my sister again.  

She said something about there being 3,500 calories in a pound of fat and blah, blah, blah . . .

"But carbs and protein is all that matters, right? Can't you just be low carb and not worry about calories?"

"How many calories are you eating?"

"Why does that matter?"

Sigh.  "Because there are about 3,500 calories in a pound of fat and when you burn off 3,500 calories you will lose a pound of fat, blah, blah, blah."


I reluctantly calculated my daily caloric intake.  WHAT A DRAG!!! Keeping track, adding up! SO ANNOYING!  

After several days of calculating, I discovered something shocking: Peanut butter (especially the kind with added fat) has A LOT of calories.  Who the fuck knew?!?!

I consulted my sister again.

"So I just ate 1,800 calories worth of peanut butter and a bunch of other stuff so I've eaten way over three thousand calories today.  Is that going to make me gain weight?"

Sigh. "If you eat more calories than you are burning, you will gain weight."


Sigh. "Yes."

So I limited my peanut butter to a quarter cup a day and did some other stuff that I was pretty sure would work.

It didn't.  

I called my sister.  She didn't answer.

Luckily, since I was dieting, it seemed appropriate that I become completely OBSESSED with The Biggest Loser.  Ten seasons in, I finally came to a realization:  If you burn 3,500 more calories than you eat, you will lose a pound of fat!!

OMG! Suddenly it all made sense!! I had to burn 3,500 more calories than I ate and I would lose fat!! Is it really that simple? YES! WHO THE FUCK KNEW!

Enter a calorie counting app (because there was no way I would be able to constantly figure this shit out on my own).  I entered my weight, my goal weight, when I want to reach my goal and magically my daily caloric goal appeared! I add exercise and food and it tells me how many calories I have left to eat each day! Yay!

Now, let's all ignore that fact that I don't actually want to look like Lisa-Marie.  If I were that skinny I'd be waaaaaay too self conscious to let anyone see my ridiculously tiny body.  However, I did buy a pair of un-returnable jeggings from FuckingCapris at a damage discount of 50% off that might be just a little too tight.  So yeah.  That's what all this is really all about.  Fuck off.  I'm cheap and I will wear those goddamn jeggings!


Tam said...

I just want to tell you that I just randomly found your blog by typing peanut butter diet weight loss or something like that in to google and have just wasted more time than I care to think reading through your posts. You are hilarious! Brilliant, insiring, intriguing! I love your view on life, furniture, idiots, jeggings, etc, etc and the way you write has me in stitches. I just can't work out if you are for real?? I am fascinated and will continue to read your brilliant blog. Most excellent.

SuperFantabulous said...

Of course I'm for real. If I were creative enough to make this shit up, I might actually be famous and have furniture.

And you are so right about my blog. After I read your comment I couldn't help but read a few recent posts, and they are hilarious! Good job on recognizing pure comedic genius when you see it!!