Friday, March 9, 2012

20 Hours

I have big plans for myself. It is my official goal of 2012 to not get fired and not quit this silly little thing I have going on at FuckingCapris. Also, I think I should be more than capable of working 20 hours a week. So far I've been scheduled anywhere from 7-18 hours. However, a webpage has been set up where we can swap, get rid of and pick up shifts. Thus, I've decided that since lately, I've been at about 18 hours a week, I will pick up one shift a week to push me above 20 hours.

I know, right?? Lofty, lofty goals. So fucking bold and shit.

I started this new policy about three weeks ago because a co-worker had the man flu and he nagged me in his whiney little 'I'm dying!' man voice until I relented and took his shift for the next day. Then I had serious doubts about his illness since the minute he got off work he shopped for capris for about an hour. Shopping is not something I do willingly when I'm well, let alone when I want everyone to believe I'm about to drop dead of a mysterious symptomless illness and can't come to work the next day.

However, working an extra four hours wasn't horrible so I thought, 'Why not do this more often? It's not so bad! And more money!!'

Then they put me back on the 5 AM shift and I was much less enthusiastic about moving any more than I absolutely had to.
I'm a lazy, lazy person. I don't put effort into what I say, into what you say, into what I'm wearing, into what my hair is doing and all of that gets much worse if I have to wake up at 4:15 to get to work.

One day I decided to try and dress it up a little. The managers arrive at the 5 AM shift looking like they think a runway show might break out and they'll be strutting their stuff in a HIGH FASHION CAPRIS way!! I decided I should try to look a little less messy. I wore a shirt that was slightly dressier than a T-shirt. Oh! The effort I'm willing to put in to get ahead!! The sacrifices I'm willing to make!

So, I worked all morning opening boxes, taking capris out of individually wrapped bags and hanging them on the racks in my fabulous, slightly dressy t-shirt (BTW, when you buy clothes and don't take the hangers with you, they get thrown out at the end of the night. Which means 4 or 5 huge trash bags full of plastic hangers go to a land fill! So, don't think you're doing anyone any favors by leaving the hangers there. Take them with you, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone that can use them).

We finished opening boxes and went up to the break room. I got my snack. I sat at a table and ate salad with my hands out of a plastic bag because I'm a classy bitch. Also, it was only 9 AM and I'd already been working for four hours and I didn't give a fuck and I'm way too lazy to put the salad in a container and pack a fork. Get real. So everyone got to watch me shoving salad from a bag into my mouth with my fingers while they daintily enjoyed their Fritos and Doritos. Bonus! If anyone was the least bit attracted to me, they got over it, I'm sure.

Then I went to get my protein drink because I've suddenly decided I need huge muscles so I've been drinking Vega. In fact, it went on sale at the local natural grocers and AwesomeCool and I spent our tax return on 10 huge containers of the stuff at 39 bucks a pop (in case you didn't already know we were financially retarded). So my co-workers were then treated to a nice visual of me sucking green, gloppy gook out of a glass bottle while they sipped their Pepsis and Cokes.

After all that, I put my bag back in my locker and noticed my name tag was sagging. It was sagging REALLY far and taking my shirt with it. In fact, now clearly visible was my black, Calvin Klein push up bra enclosed boob. Hellooooo! Right there for all to see! How long had my boob been out? I don't know. I have no way of keeping track of what's happening with my own body, so I did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I went to ask two of my male co-workers. If anyone had noticed, it would be them, right?

"Hey. Did you guys notice my wardrobe malfunction?" I asked.

"Not until you just walked up and stood right in front of us."

They laughed.

Yeah, weirdly, I asked before I fixed it. I guess I thought the visual would help them remember if they had seen it or not? I don't know. Whatever. At least that awkward moment where you show your tits to your coworkers is over with. Phew!!

1 comment:

Sling Khidorah said...

I sat at a table and ate salad with my hands out of a plastic bag because I'm a classy bitch...

I'll be the first to admit that made me laugh out loud.