Thursday, February 23, 2012

Might Not Shot Our Deuces

Jesus fucking christ. Can I just say, I've been called a lot of things in my day. A tyrant, a bitch, a psycho, a sociopath, a drama queen, a food nazi, a control freak. Of all of those, nothing, NOTHING compares to being called "Ma'am". I'm fucking serious. I don't know what it is about that word that annoys me to no end. I cringe every time I hear it at work.

I congratulate myself on keeping my mouth shut about it. I know that they mean it as a term of respect. They wouldn't understand my problem with it, at all. I don't even understand my problem with it, but I have a HUGE fucking problem with it!! Nothing, not getting up at 4 am, not tackling people with customer service, not being bossed around by 20 year old managers annoys me like being called 'Ma'am'. Please pray. I'm obviously insane.

The second thing I want to talk about is sun. Praise Jeeeeeebuusss!! I could seriously get used to being called Ma'am if it meant winters with days like today. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, I can wear shorts and a t-shirt and sit by the pool and read (not that I would ever, ever go outside or read when I have four seasons Basketball Wives on VH1 to keep me busy, but it's nice to know I have the option). Everything is more wonderful, even being called Ma'am, when it's done with the sun shining.

Not only that, but AwesomeCool and I are as close to financially secure as we have ever been in our lives. We have enough money that we can do thing like go out to eat several times a month, buy groupons for photofacial, laser skin tightening packages (I just did, bitch! I"m not satisfied with looking 10 years younger anymore, I want people to think AwesomeCool is a pedophile when we're in public together. So much entertainment potential.)

We are even thinking about buying a house next year. We discovered that for the same amount of money we would have to pay for our crappy three bedroom, one bath house back in RainyTown, we could buy a four bedroom two bath house with a goddamn pool in the back yard!! Not that we would. What the fuck do we need four bedrooms for? But a pool would be nice.

I told my sister, "You have the most bizarre medical problems ever!" she said, because she's very close to a super prestigious medical related degree and is therefore expected to diagnose my every symptom, imagined or otherwise, which is what I always talk to her about first.

I was like, "Why don't you know what's wrong with me!" But then I was like, "We might stay here!"

She was not impressed. Texas is not what any of us liberal, vegetarian, atheists ever think of as a good look for us.

So I was like, "But we could be, like, real people! We could have a house and steady employment and shit!"

And there are some things that are surprisingly wonderful.

Like 70 degrees in the middle of winter. And being called 'Grrrrrrrrrl', 'Boo', 'Baby Doll' and told to 'Shoot my deuces'. My kids are finally being recognized as the super-geniuses I always thought they were (10yr old is now in the talented and gifted program. She gets it from me. Obviously). And I just found out my 14yr old is friends with a gay Mexican-american. What the fuck is cooler than that? Certainly not grey skies and rain, Boo Boo. Not that at all.

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