Thursday, January 5, 2012

Worse Than Y'All

Did you think there was a contraction worse than y'all? I didn't think so. Then I started my job at FuckingCapris and I'm surrounded by females (that's what we call women down here). These females grew up in the south and think it's cute/polite/nice to call everyone ma'am.

And that, my friends is the worst contraction in the English language. You might not realize it until you've been called ma'am constantly with just the right inflection to set your nerves vibrating at the most high-pitched and chalkboard scratchy of frequencies.

Ma'am is almost always preceded by the word 'yes' and sounds more like something to do with a sweet potato:

"Yes, meh-yam!"

"Yes, meh-yam!!"

"Yes, meh-yam!!!"

Some of you may know of the mesmerizing intricacies that go into operating a FuckingCapris. It is very important that everyone have what is adorably refereed to as a 'Walkie'. We can't be bothered with saying Talkie. That's way too uncool and not very quirky. Not in keeping with FuckingCapris young, cutting edge, sweatshop-y image.

The point is that with all of us having these walkies, we're all privy to every conversation that occur on these stupid things which means we're all treated to literally thousands of 'Yes, Meh-yams!' a day. And to think we also get paid a miniscule pittance to fold t-shirts while we listen!

"Can I go on my break now?"

"Yes, Meh-yam!"

"Ok . . . I'm going then."

"Miss SuperFantabulous, what is your location, Meh-yam?"

"I'm hiding in the dressing room, doing nothing like usual!"

"Yes, Meh-yam! Ok, now, Meh-yam, you go ahead and go on your break, Meh-yam!"

I can't tell if they think I'm rude for not calling them Meh-yam, but it doesn't matter because I'm never, ever calling anyone that. Ever.

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