Thursday, November 3, 2011

Well, I got it!!

I got the job! (In case you didn't get what that last post was alluding to. I can be subtle as fuck when I want to be.)

Last week I had training. Five other superstars and I watched videos, filled out paper work, and signed up for our employee discount. I out superstarred everyone by promptly forgetting my employee password that goes along with my employee discount, creating all kinds of problems that took an hour on the phone to corporate headquarters to solve.

To celebrate my SuperFantabulous addition to the team, I've had to think of a code name for the-store-which-shall-not-be-named because now that they've been nice enough to pay me to be my usual twatty self for twenty hours a week, I'm going to talk shit about them constantly and don't want to get fired for being a shithead.

I picked FuckingCapris since it's all their fault every woman with a meaty pair of kankles feels the need to share them with the world by wearing the goddamn things. Fucking capris.

Speaking of subtle, when it was my turn to introduce myself and share what I would bring to FuckingCapris I named a bunch of things that made sense yet somehow felt compelled to finish with, "I'm not into little boys."

It's a true enough statement. Not sure why it felt right to say it out loud. In front of everyone.

In my defense, speaking is by far the least honed of all my communication skills. 90% of the time, what could very well be a brilliant idea becomes completely deformed and twisted on it's way to my mouth. By the time the words leave my lips, it's a mutated, unintelligible mess.

Luckily, everyone laughed. I think they thought I was making some kind of weird, inappropriate joke. I'm kind of concerned that they were cool with that. In fact, I was the only one who didn't get the punchline but I laughed along anyway. After all, I have to fit in, right? And if creepy humor is their thing, well it's my thing too, damnit!!

Hopefully by the time I start work next week, that unfortunate incident will have escaped everyone's memory the way last years kankle pants have escaped their asses. Fucking capris.

3 comments:

Sling Khidorah said...

Luckily, everyone laughed. I think they thought I was making some kind of weird, inappropriate joke.

To be honest, I would have laughed too - but only because I'd also be writing a note to myself as a reminder that, in the future, I should direct all customers with little boys (or customers that happen to be little boys in one way or another) directly to you.

James said...

This post is the future of so many good things to come. I am excited.

Berly said...

"In my defense, speaking is by far the least honed of all my communication skills. "

My fat self remembers when you first really spoke to me. You informed me that YOU were a "skinny bitch" when I had mentioned to someone else that I wanted to be one. Thanks for pointing out the obvious dear.