Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sassy Pants Is Not My Friend

Had my first day of work and now I realize that the only thing worse than being unemployed is having a job.

I got there early and ended up talking to the new store manager outside until someone who knew how to work the alarms showed up. I didn't realize this was a dangerous thing for me to do until well into the conversation because I was thinking too much about how she was nothing special and how the fuck long will it take me to be store manager and lord over the minions under my employ?

Luckily nothing like that came out of my mouth. Later she and I had an important discussion about dust pans which ended when it seemed like she might be hinting that I should go upstairs and fetch one. Fuck. That. Shit.

The night before I had to be at work late for a two hour staff meeting. There was food that I couldn't eat, people I didn't want to talk to, and activities that struck me as patently, unequivocally beneath me.

The fact that we were instructed to wear pajamas should have clued me in that I would want to murder myself to death ten seconds in. (I wore pajamas BTW, in my new, ongoing effort to at least put some effort into not being a complete douche).

The schedule of staff meeting events was as follows:

1. AGAIN with corporate instructional videos! Why? The fact that they try to make them funny and current only makes it worse!

2. Customer relations role-playing with super hilarious dialog!

3. Safety tips. Actual question alert: What should you do if you find a liquid spill on the floor? Actual answer alert: Clean it up.

4. The night ended appropriately when the new store manager implied that she was quirky and had an interesting personality. She's not. And she doesn't.

So there I was at work the next day, up hours before the sun. They didn't tell me what I was supposed to do, so naturally I found the weirdest person there and demanded he be my mentor. (Now I know that weird-dar works both ways and that's why the weirdos are always thinking they have a chance with me. They might.)

There was a sassy black woman who I didn't think was one of a slew of managers at this place but was bossing the fuck out of me anyway. Luckily for the first 20 minutes she was shouting at me from the other end of the building and I had no idea she was talking to me.

Other people didn't either.

"Who's she talking to?" They asked.

Sassy Pants came closer, realizing I was partially deaf or really good at ignoring annoying people from afar.

"You sleepy?" She asked.

"Yes." I said, falling right into her trap. It was 5 AM after all!!

"I can tell cause you moving sllllooowwww!"


At first I thought she knew what she was talking about so I considered speeding up. I looked around and acknowledged that several people were moving faster, several were about the same and several weren't moving at all. I did some calculations in my head and decided she thought it was cool to be the loudmouthed irritating person among us group of winners.

I stayed at the same speed.
She stayed thinking I cared what she thought.

"Hurry up! Keep moving! Pick up the pace!"

She continued that shit and I continued pretending she wasn't there.

Finally other people started getting annoyed.

"Why are you yelling at her?" A girl asked who instantly became my best friend.

"I'm hazing the new people!" Sassy Pants answered.

"Glad you didn't haze me, cause I would have cried."

"No you wouldn't have!"

"Well . . . I would have cried on the inside."

So there you have it. Day one.

Also, take note that I saw right through Sassy Pant's hazing shenanigans and appropriately ignored her and that makes me pretty much brilliant!

And also put me one her bad side.

And probably increased the likelihood that I end up fired.

Very soon.

So, you know. Not really that brilliant, I guess.


Sarah said...

Don't get fired so soon! This is such a promising source of great stories. For a minute I thought you were saying we weren't friends anymore. But then I realized I'm not really sassy pants in your book. Phew!

James said...

Is it bad that I am ridiculously excited for this to continue?

Blackchild said...

This is what I hate about new jobs. Not knowing who I should and should not tell to go fuck themselves. You would think it would be easy those with badges,titles, huge keyrings are to be respected. But it is so much more complicated than that and I would have spent weeks listening to the sassy Black lady erroneously.