Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sassy Pants Is My Friend

Last week at work went swimmingly. Mostly because they cancelled all my shifts after my first day.

At first I was suspicious. Sassy Pants called the first time. I suspected conspiracy. She was still pissed about my highly attuned hazing detector.

I was annoyed. I complained to AwseomeCool

"She's out to get me!"
"No. She. Isn't."

Clearly he understands nothing about women and their reactions to having their hazing attempts rebuffed.

It took a few minutes, but eventually I got over it. How could I be mad at her for not forcing me to wake up at 4:30? It was pretty much impossible.

Then the next shift got cancelled (not by Sassy Pants). And the one after that. I can't say I minded. I got totally used to sitting around the apartment watching crappy TV shows and shitty movies all day (and working on book number three! Cause I'm just that fucking brilliant. Accept it already and give me money, buttholes).

But the last time they called to cancel my shift, the guy said, "It's nothing against you."

And just like that I had never thought anything was more against me in my entire life. They fucking HATE me!! They're going to fire me!! They think I'm creepy! I should have just let Sassy Pants haze me! This is all my (her) fault!

Then I got the new schedule and was pleased and surprised to find I was still on it.

I had my second day of work today.

Sassy Pants was there.

She super sassed me by putting me on her team.

I have to mention at this point that she has the most amazing eyelashes ever. They are, like, a solid wall of fake lashes. They are so thick she seems to just pretend they're part of her eyelid and drowns them in the gaudy purple eyeshadow she puts on her eyes. (Whatever you're thinking of right now, go bigger. Waaaaaaay bigger, like if you put water on her eyelid, there is no way it would penetrate these things and make it to her eye.)

"You have to move today cause we're really short on time." She warned.

I nodded, completely mesmerized by the way here eyeshadow spills over onto her eyelash wall.

Then the shipment came. I tried moving a little since she was right there watching me.

"Do you like being on my team?" She asked.

"Yes." I said, knowing there was nothing else to say.

"Then you have to go faster!"

Dammit!! She got me again!

I had no choice but to actually put some effort into what I was doing.

Then a miracle happened! Sassy Pants stopped sassing me!

"I like the way you move, Baby Girl!" She said when we had finished 'processing' the shipment (taking individually wrapped clothing out of a million little baggies and putting them on shelves), "Look how pretty and organized you have everything! You did good!"

Then she started talking about her gay brother and his boyfriend (not to me, obviously). Anyone who is OK enough with having a gay brother that she talks about his boyfriend at work like it's no big thing is automatically my friend. They have no choice in the matter.

Also she called me 'Baby Girl'! That is so fucking cool.

4 comments:

Blackchild said...

I was hoping for more hostility between the two of you.d

Sling Khidorah said...

But the last time they called to cancel my shift, the guy said, "It's nothing against you."

And just like that I had never thought anything was more against me in my entire life.


lol

SuperFantabulous said...

Blackchild: Bitch, please. You know me better than that. This 'friendship' will end. Badly.

Blackchild said...

What was I thinking.