Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Secret And The Interview

Have you read that book, The Secret? Neither have I, but it was mentioned in an episode of 30 Rock. Jenna was visualizing crazy things and, jeez, who needs to read the book when you can watch a joke about it? I'm living the secret now.

Then I got a call from FuckingCapris! They wanted me to come in for an interview! Not exactly what I envisioned, but remember, I learned about the secret from a 10 second 30 Rock joke. So what? My IQ is, like, average and I went to my local state college. I got this.

I visualized myself happily working at FuckingCapris. I saw myself smiling as I worked the cash register, getting along with my co workers, respecting the authority of my manager and not wanting to beat anyone to death with a mannequin or gouge their eyes out with a hanger. It was wonderful.

My strategy for winning the job was to take it down a notch for the interview. I thought back to a group interview I had had years ago in RainyTown. One of the questions was, "What do you see as a good shopping experience?"

I went into details about quality of products, variety of choice, decor and a bunch of technical bullshit.

Another guy said, "Perfect customer service." And as far as I could tell, that was his best answer thus far.

Guess what? He got the job.

Seriously?

Seriously.

So I went to the interview prepared to say stupid shit and totally get the job.

I got to the store feeling confident and dumb as a rock. I demonstrated this by deciding to leave my ugly purse in the car and just carry in my super cool wallet everyone always compliments me on. I also brought my binder with all my transcripts, reference letters and an old dirty resume that I sat in the car and cut the top off of because it was stained. I looked super impressive.

When I got in the store I realized carrying around a big wallet and a binder is pretty fucking awkward. I freaked out. I wanted to be dumb, not retarded. How was I going to shake her hand? What if I dropped all my shit on the floor and had to pick it up? How pathetic would that be?

Well, none of that ended up mattering because the first thing she wanted me to do was pick out an outfit and try it on. OH MY GOD! I couldn't think of a worse thing for her to ask me to do. I like to call my style 'homeless color-blind cat lady'. I'm pretty sure other people do to. I seriously panicked.

She was being an uber-bitch by making me do this. I immediately needed revenge. Since she was short and fat, I decided picking out super skinny jeans would be a good way to rub her potato shaped body in her face (that is seriously how my brain works). Also, I strategised, I could totally work in how FuckingCapris is pretty much the only place I can buy jeans because they have that fabulous 'tall' size for long-legged mack daddies like myself.

So I got the stupid jeans (gray) and grabbed a weird black sweater that was short in the front on the off chance that it felt right to show off my six pack as well.

I went to the dressing room to change. The jeans were too big and they were high waisted. WTF? When did that happen? The sweater was midriff bearing and ridiculous. I looked like Britney Spears in mom jeans.

I went out and pretended to admire myself in the mirror for her benefit.

She told me to change back into my regular clothes and we could talk about the outfit.

I changed and she asked me to pretend she was a customer and convince her to buy the outfit I was just wearing.

UGH!!!!

My outfit was awful! However, so was hers. And let's face it, I look good in anything which is why 'homeless color blind cat lady' works so well for me.

So I said it was versatile! It was casual, but not too casual! It was perfect customer service!! And best of all, "Umm . . . the jeans come in 'tall' size?" SCORE!!

Then she wanted me to tell her what accessories to buy to go with it.

Double UGGGHHH!!

I haven't worn an accessory in 20 years. But I know they exist. So I said something about versatility! Casual but not too casual! Perfect customer service!! And, "Ummm . . . colorful earrings would be nice?" DOUBLE SCORE!!

Then she wanted me to walk around and pretend I worked there.

I bothered a bunch of people by getting in their face and being all like, "Can I help you? Do you need help finding anything? Do you want a bag to carry around your clothes?"

They were all like, "No. Leave me the fuck alone."

I knew exactly how they felt.

Then, thank god, it was over.

I asked when I would hear back. She said they'd let me know by Friday if I have a second interview.

Seriously FuckingCapris? Who do you think you are with this second interview bullshit! It's like you think you're important or something.

You're not.

Not that it matters. I'm visualizing all your stores burning down. So you can take your second interview and shove it up your perfect customer service!!! Triple score!!

8 comments:

Sarah said...

That interview is so misleading. I've never had that kind of customer service at Old Navy. No one ever talks about the clothes to me there! WTF?

SuperFantabulous said...

I know and why would they? There's really nothing to say.

Sarah said...

Exactly! I don't need some lame salesperson telling what they think looks good.

James said...

I had two round of interviews for a job at Banana Republic. And at the second one, I mentioned something about you know...the fact that I have a masters degree, speak two languages, and have several years of work experience. They weren't impressed.

Also, when you get the job, I will totally come to your store and have you dress me.

SuperFantabulous said...

Only if we can dress like Beyonce and you teach me the single ladies dance.

Blackchild said...

You should have told us you were going for an interview there. I am the best interviwee/ worst employee. In retail 99% of the interview is feigning a high level of enthusiasm and seeming dim malleable. And don't forget to say things like I see myself in management in 5 years and who knows I might make to district and regional management(all outside hires)\

Flint said...

That has got to be the strangest interview I have heard of. Actually getting you to go up to customers and pretend you work there? What a bunch an f-tard.

SuperFantabulous said...

BlackChild: Thanks! I'll do all those things if I get called for a second interview. Enthusiasm is definitely not my strong point.