Thursday, October 13, 2011

Fun With Stalkers!

Just when I think I'm done with all that people hating me vicariously bullshit, they're baaaaaack!

It all started when I became completely convinced the world was seriously missing out by not reading my old posts. Who has the time and energy to click on that 'archives' button and get themselves off the first page of my blog? I certainly don't and I wrote the damn thing.

I'm pretty sure I'm fucking brilliant and through this blog, I've compiled a shitload of brilliance and it's all out there just waiting to be read.

Why? I have no life. I pretend through my blog. I do a lot of pretending.

So I put the 'random post gadget' up. Since they were conveniently right there in my face, I read some of my posts from Korea and *gasp* I kind of come off as an ignorant, racist, dip shit.

Rather horrified at 'My Living in Korea Self' but, jeez, not quite horrified enough to do anything about it, I wasn't sure what my next step should be. The right thing would probably be to take those old posts down. I was obviously drunk on rice and not quite myself over there. Seriously though, when have I ever done the right thing?

I compromised and took the gadget off. Now if you want to be offended, you're going to have to work at it.

Oh, alright, Lazy Haters, I can relate. You want to hate me, but you just can't wade through four years of bullshit to find that perfect post, the one that is just so asinine that your blood will boil. It will boil and you will be compelled to write a NASTY COMMENT!

Your life is just so fucking hard already and now I've made it difficult for you to self-offend! What a fucking bitch I am! How are you going to get your hate rocks off now?? You might have to do something ludicrous like tell someone off 'In Person!' Fucking crazy talk, that.

Don't worry, SuperFantabulous is here to help. I will guide you to these highly offensive posts and walk you through the incredible journey toward 'Anonymous Douchebaggery'. Eventually I'll probably make the transition much easier by putting that gadget back up. I'm just full of odd decision making skillz.

So, here goes. For an offensive time follow these easy steps:

1 Go to the side bar.

2 Click on something from about late 2009-late 2010.

3 Read through until you find something horrific.

4 Keep reading. You're not adequately astounded by my bitchery yet. Oh wait, there it is! You are now appropriately appalled enough to go onto step five.

5 Write me an anonymous comment letting me know what a douchebag I am.

6 Don't be a pussy and delete it at the last minute. Send the comment.

(Also don't confuse me by sending two or more nearly identical comments. Make sure you're completely satisfied with your insults before hitting that send button. I'm kind of offended by having to read through and figure out what the difference between them is and which one I'm supposed to post.)

7 Now don't you feel great? You really told me off now didn't you!

8 Imagine me reading your comment and having a hurt feeling. (Don't laugh. It could happen.)

9 Congratulate yourself on a job well done! You have taken your offense and transformed it into a valiant attempt to offend SuperFantabulous! Maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. You'll never know because this is all just so fucking anonymous!

10 Repeat as necessary in order to have a joyous, fulfilling life.

Now that that's out of the way, let's focus on what all this means to me: The fact that you take the time to read through my shit, find what I say important enough to take it personally, take the time to write a comment about it and send me the comment?

Oh wow!! All those minutes of your life that you'll never get back devoted to little old me?? I can just feel the love bursting from every derogatory word!! I mean, if you were here with me, you'd just want to bow down at my feet and worship me, wouldn't you? Yes you would.

So to show you how much I appreciate those irretrievable minutes of your life that you've so generously given me, I've found the perfect expression of your love and am dedicating it to myself on your behalf.

Enjoy!! (And keep the love coming. I don't think my ego is big enough yet.)


Sarah said...

I am so totally offended by this post! I think its funny that people feel the need to stalk you over your posts. I've got way too much going on in my life to worry about what random people are posting on the interwebs.

Blackchild said...

I think you did go a little far in some of your post with the roundhead shit but ultimately Korea is like the shit pond of Afghanistan(google it)When you are there you eat ,sleep ,breathe, weird Korean bullshit and people react. Whether it is spazzing out on old men in buses or writing snarky blogs. We were to put it in military terms "in the shit" and just trying to cope. I still have about a dozen or so Korean stories but I'm just not that interested in telling them anymore but I don't regret what I wrote because it was the space I was in at the time.

Blackchild said...

where is the sexy librarian pic I was busy stalking it

James said...

I had stalkers in Hungary. But they would watch me whenever I was running and threaten to kill me whenever I was sleeping.

It was a big precipice for me hopping the plane to America. And now, i totally fantasize about my days living there.

SuperFantabulous said...

BlackChild: She went back to Twitter where she belongs.

James: I too remember having a good time in the place where people hated me the most.

Sling Khidorah said...

There's a lot of love in this room. Can you feel it?

Gollywog said...

I remember when I first read a couple of your posts, I went straight to the start and loved it all the way. Still do. I think it was An Idiots tale that pointed me your way.

If you could get your shitty husband away from the gym and back to writing that would be awesome ( I debated using fantastic here)

Keep up the great work and screw the haters.

SuperFantabulous said...

You are my favorite now.