Monday, September 5, 2011

Twatting Boredom

So we've been back in CrazyHellTown for about a month and I am still completely unemployed. I know. I'm as shocked as you are. With my work ethic and tendency to flash national monuments, who in their right mind wouldn't be begging me to come teach their kids?

Now . . .

Given the following facts:
A) We are a one car family.
B) Everywhere in CrazyHellTown is at least a mile away from everything else.
C) It's hot as fuck

AwesomeCool takes the car to work + Everywhere is too far to walk + Even if it wasn't too far to walk, it's too fucking hot to walk = I have barely left the house in two weeks.

For some people, this might be a HUGE problem. For me it's a minor inconvenience. I find the company of my fellow human beings not that cool.

However, I also find the company of only myself a little overbearing. I can be quit chatty when I've only got myself to talk to.

Also, even I get a little wacko after too much time spent alone.

For example:

Fun fact! Bananas can melt. I discovered leaving my smoothie bananas to ripen on the counter leads to disgusting, brown banana puddles. Thus I have learned to put them in the fridge.

The other day I was peeling my bananas in preparation for freezing them when I noticed they were already partially frozen. The fridge was too cold or something. Who knows. The point is, my perfect solution to this problem was to sing to the banana.

Me (singing): You are a partially frozen banana!!
The banana: .......?

After that happened, I decided I should make more of an effort to get out of the house. At our apartment complex there's a concierge office where you can check out movies for free. The problem is, that like everything in CrazyHellTown, it's a mile away.

So I started walking over there every day to pick up movies. The awkward conversations I have with the concierge lady are the entirety of my social life outside my family and can be summed up in the following interaction:

Her: Did you go swimming today?
Me: No.
Her: Oh, I thought you did because you're wearing a bikini top under your shirt.
Me: I don't swim. It's just too hot to wear clothes in my house.
Her: *Blank Stare*

As painful as that was, I later found out she was so inspired by my too-hot-for-clothes-weirdness that she turned the air conditioning down in her house. I have earned my place in Eco Heaven. It's just like regular heaven only without the lung-blackening smog.

Next: I discovered Twitter. Naturally, I had to share this glorious development with my sister.

Me: I'm on Twitter.
My Sister: You're a twit!
Me: I prefer 'twat'.
My Sister: Apologies. You TWAT!
Me: That's better.

Honestly, with awkward conversations to have and constant twatting about the inanity that is my life, I don't see how I could possibly make room for a career at this point anyway.

Too bad for all those impressionable young kids who totally missed out on being taught by a person who sings to partially frozen bananas. Sad for them.

6 comments:

Sling Khidorah said...

With Twitter, the world can be (exposed to) SuperFantabulous 24/7.

James said...

Dude, the Teaching Fellows program suck. Why are we not teachers in a high-needs school? And also, who the fuck is trying to get these teaching jobs?

Also, I have an orange juice song/dance. I stopped buying it, because I live with someone now.

Sarah said...

Hey! I'm twatting too!

SuperFantabulous said...

@Sling:Which is exactly how it should be.
@James:I know, right? I've never hated anything more in my entire life. Still, it would have been nice to have a funny little certificate to wave in people's faces to show them how awesome I am.
@Sarah:I will find you and stalk you.

James said...

I only did it for the license. Fuck it, this yinzer going to Korea (following end of lease)

SuperFantabulous said...

No shit??! Can't. Hardly. Wait.