Monday, September 12, 2011

Joblessness: SuperFantabulous Career Change!

The only thing keeping me from jobfullness is the disturbing lack of jobs for 'lazy peoplel-haters.' It's discrimination I tell you!

Thinking I might be due for yet another 'career' change (career is in quotes because I've never actually had one), I googled, 'jobs for people who hate people.' I left off the lazy part because perfect jobs don't exist in this imperfect world.

Surprisingly, I wasn't the first one to ask. There are many websites listing jobs for misanthropes just like me (Double surprisingly, high school science teacher wasn't on any of them).

I am obviously no good at making life choices that concern . . . my life, so I'm going to list the ones that seem like something I can do, and given your deep understanding of my personality, wants and desires, thanks to my wonderful overly divulgent blog, you can choose for me! Glee to the nth degree!

(please note, given my extreme aversion to anything requiring me to be somewhere at a certain time and do things someone tells me to do, I probably won't pursue any of your recommendations. However, wasting time is super fun!)

So here they are, 'people hating jobs for people haters!':

1. Accountant. I actually seriously considered going to school to earn a degree in accounting about three years ago. I was thwarted by prerequisites which I could take via 'distance learning'. This meant that I bought the book, did 10 assignments and mailed them to some guy in Louisiana. There were no due dates, they just had to be turned in by the end of the term. This did not motivate me much. I only did one assignment. Thus ended my accounting career.

2. Computer Programmer. I'm a dork, not a nerd. Computer programming was the only class in college I actually fell asleep in. Luckily Mr. AwesomeCool was in the class with me. He did all my assignments and that's the only reason I passed.

3. Writer. Well, duh. Only how the fuck do you get a writing job? I have never once seen anyone advertising for writers. I think writing jobs are a myth.

4. Forensic Science Technician. Maybe I watched too much NCIS when I was living with my uncle, but this one sounded like the most fun. So I looked into it and decided that my best choice was to get my masters in Forensic Chemistry in the UK. I won't be coming back to reality anytime soon, in case you're wondering.

5. Undertaker. Gross.

6. Zoo keeper. Gross and stupid.

7. Horticulturalist. Gross, stupid, outside.

8. Actuary. What the fuck is that? Don't answer. I don't care.

Friends and family have given me much career advice over the years. Social worker, waitress, dental hygienist, doctor, flight attendant, have all been suggested.

Unfortunately, being born rich has been my only goal in life. Although I failed at that 36 years ago, I still haven't given up hope, that somehow, someway, a large sum of money will just find it's way into my bank account. Career problem solved.


James said...

My career goal is to marry rich. It still is.

SuperFantabulous said...

I haven't ruled that out yet.

Mr. Awesomecool said...


Mr. Awesomecool said...

As of now, that is a fail.