Sunday, August 28, 2011

What I Ate

Two of my favorite bloggers have actually asked my advice! Inflate my ego! Inflate to your heart's content!

(while my YinzerFantabulous didn't actually ask my advice, he did reference my six pack in a recent blog, so he totally counts.)

And I know all the rest of you must just be dying to know what fuels the fire that is Superfantabulous too, so I decided to be super helpful and show you via a food blog!

Now you too can achieve the glorious six pack! Though, if I'm being honest, some people, claim my six pack is a figment of my extraordinary imagination.

Well, fine. It might take just the right lighting to see it in all its glory and it might ere on the side of four pack and somewhere between CrazyHellTown, SuperRainyTown, and RainyTown, it did disappear completely, but it's back and I've posted, like, six pictures of me half naked on facebook to prove it. My kids are so proud!

Ok. Now for the most important moment of all our lives.

First, be forewarned. There are two things in my life that I do hardcore. All the hardcore that should be relegated to having a career of some sort, raising my kids, being a positive, respectable, responsible, nice person who doesn't flash national monuments or yell at random people, or complain and swear non-stop (Mini-Fantabulous recently commented: You swear more than a sailor! And I know, because TinySuperRainyTown Grandpa is a sailor and he swears much less than you do!) goes into these two things:

1. Exercise. Unless I'm on my deathbed, I don't miss a workout. And unless at some point during the workout I feel nauseous and/or light-headed, it doesn't count as a workout.

During our first stint in CrazyHellTown, I got up at 5:30 every single morning to exercise before work. The day I flew back to RainyTown, I got up at 3:45 am to workout before my flight.

2. Food. I eat healthy as fuck. I'd probably have to be living in a mango grove on a deserted island to eat better. So this food might look completely weird and unsatisfying to you. And if you're trying to eat better, at first it will be.

Don't get scared! While anything is super hard at first, it gets easier every single day until one day the crap you used to gorge yourself with doesn't even look like food anymore! Food that used to do nothing for you is now your culinary wet dream! Your taste buds have metamorphosized! You have achieved diet perfection!!

Remember, you have lived through many unpleasant things in your lifetime. You can live through improving your eating habits too.

So without further ado, I present my glorious food journal!!!

However, before I eat anything, I prefer to start out every day with a workout from BodyRock.Tv. For example, today I got up at 6 am and did this.

It's kind of a nightmare to get up at 6 and do anything, let alone an ass kicking workout, but I do it and if my lazy ass can do it, so can yours.

After that hell is over, I enjoy a plate of fruit much like this one! Note the Stevia can. I've seen that they always put a coke can next to very small dogs to give you an idea of how small they are.

Naturally I thought it would be hilarious to put one next to my food to give you an idea of the size of every meal. I do not drink a Stevia every time I eat. That would be fucking expensive.

A few hours later I have my smoothie. My smoothie is the best thing that has ever happened to me. If I could eat my smoothie all day every day I would. Each and every time I come to the bottom of my empty cup of smoothie, I die a little inside.

I'll give you the recipe, in case you want the culinary perfection that is my smoothie:

(please note: I do not actually measure anything. That would require effort. This is all completely made up, but I tried to be approximate.)

1/4 C flax seeds
1 tbs sesame seeds
4 ripe frozen bananas (or unfrozen if your blender sucks)
1/2 cup frozen berries
3/4 cups water (or more if your blender sucks)

First, make sure your blender is completely dry. Put the seeds in and grind them until they are powdery. Though I have a Vita-Mixer, you can do this in pretty much any cheap blender out there. In desperate times I have managed.

Then add all the other ingredients. The less water you add the more super-thick milkshake-y and delicious your smoothie will be. I add barely enough water to get the thing turning, then you have to mash everything into the blades with a spoon or spatula (I have ruined many spatulas this way so be careful).

If your blender sucks, this is going to be a long, tedious process and you may kill your blender. You will turn it on, it will blend the contents at the very bottom and after a few seconds it will completely give up. Don't let your blender be a quitter! Turn it off, rearrange the contents with your spatula so the unblended parts are at the bottom, turn it back on and blend the new bottom-of-the-blender ingredients and repeat until everything is smooth and un-chunkie.

This will take forever, but it will be worth it. The alternative is using unfrozen bananas or more water, but both these things will basically ruin the essence of my smoothie and make it totally un-worth it.

When you are finished, it should look like soft serve ice cream. If it doesn't, you have done something terribly wrong. You fail at life. Eat your crappy smoothie and try again tomorrow.

Because I love my smoothie so very, very much, I have to make it last. So I eat half right after I make it and save half for a couple hours later.

Next comes ginormous salad number one!! As you can see, I don't fuck around with wimpy lettuces and other fillers. My salad is 1/2 a pound of pure, unadulterated greens. These happen to be collard greens, I believe, with spinach. This happens at around one-ish in the afternoon.

The white glob is my new favorite hummus. I love it almost as much as my smoothie. And there's salsa too.

At around 4 in the afternoon I have ginormous salad number two! Basically identical to salad one. I debated on whether or not to take a picture. In the end, I felt it was completely necessary to document salad 2 in all it's glory.

In between salad number 2 and dinner I totally snacked on grapes and forgot to document it. I ate, like, a cup or two.

Here's dinner! It's tofu, quinoa, vegetables and pinto beans blended to resemble something like re-fried beans, only without the frying. At this point, someone had rudely drank all the Stevia and taken all the cans to recycling so I didn't have a can to show you the relative size of my meal! Sad!

Also, I probably had seconds.

Last, is a piece of vegan-low-carb-low-fat carrot cake for desert. Mine looks like a mess because I kind of threw a huge tantrum over there being raisins in it.

Cooked raisins are evil incarnate. I took it as a very personal insult that AweseomeCool put them in there. Thus every single raisin had to be meticulously removed from my cake. I injured myself with my spoon during the tantrum. That's how serious it was.

Other than the raisin fiasco, the cake was really good. I know you're not going to believe me because of the vegan-low-carb-low-fat-ness, but my man AwesomeCool is an absolute genius in the kitchen. He works miracles and this is one of them.

After that, I'll sometimes have a banana, sometimes not.

Riveting. I know. And yes. Those are my feet in the carrot cake picture. I eat on the floor and wear rainbow socks. Get over it.


James said...

Things that concern me:

1.) I eat all of my meals on the floor. Or over the sink.
2.) I wake up at 5:30 AM to do workout number one. I do workout number two after dinner.
3.) My version of your smoothie is a protein shake. I don't even use real milk, it's lite soy milk. (They don't even spell light correctly).
4.) I have a two-pack. In specific lighting as well.

DrugstoreCowgirl said...

Wow, you are far more dedicated than I could ever be! No wonder you have rock hard abs!

SuperFantabulous said...

We're like a double rainbow!

Sarah said...

So you have revealed your secret recipe for how to be superfantabulous. I'm not sure I could do it. But I might try....the food at least. All that exercise makes me tired.