Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Hotness

I know I wanted to move someplace where I could actually see the sun in wintertime, but Jesus Fucking Christ! Did I have to pick the place where the 103 is considered 'cool-ish'?

I thought I could handle it. After all, my marathon stints in the sauna are well documented. Back at MY gym in RainyTown, I'm known as 'The Sauna Queen.' Yeah. I'm THAT awesome.

And at first I was pretty sure I was handling it. However, as with most unpleasant things in my life, I ignored the signs of trouble.

It all began during our momentous cross country exodus.

First: Somewhere around New Mexico, the heat crept toward unbearable. Wearing clothes seemed like it should be 'optional' rather than 'required'. My solution was to wear a barely there dress that I had bought at the same store as my infamous one-ie.

The barely there dress scooped down in front and hiked up in back. I quelled any fears of looking like a hooker by convincing myself that it looked kind of like something you might see a supermodel wear. And if a supermodel could get away with wearing it, then dammit! So could I!

I wore the fuck out of that dress. Mostly because we in the car a debilitating 12 hours a day and nobody that hasn't seen all my junk a million times before was going to be the victim of a wardrobe malfunction.

That is, until Mr. Awesomecool and I stopped by to get some organic coffee at a nice little cafe. Everyone in the coffee shop immediately began staring. I became fidgety as fuck trying to keep my dress from showing my crotch and tits at the same time. It was not my fault. It was way to hot to wear a bra.

The kids went in to use the bathroom and I volunteered to take the coffee out to the car, so as not to be reported for partial nudity by the aghast customers. I fled out into the heat. As I bent down ever so slightly to open the door, my dress shifted ever so slightly and completely uncovered my boobs.

Having hot coffee in my hands, there was not much I could do about it. Having parked right in front of the cafe, right in front of the giant picture window, there was not much the people inside couldn't see.

We gathered the kids mid-pee and left quickly.

That night at our hotel I posted the pictures from our trip on facebook. The next day I noticed a weird comment on one of them.

"Is this a joke?!?!" It said.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out what the joke might be.

Then I saw it. That fucking dress!! Mr. AwesomeCool had taken some pictures of me as I was driving across the scenic desert. Fine. What I didn't notice when I posted this particular picture was that my boob was hanging out.

Given the great length between internet access during our journey, that picture had been up for at least 24 hours before I noticed.

Sigh.

Then. Many years ago I noticed a disturbing frown line forming between my eyes. I immediately and forever stopped scrunching my eyebrows together. The line was still there. I discovered through copious research that it was possible I was making 'strong expressions' in my sleep. The solution? Medical tape between my eyebrows while I sleep to keep my forehead smooth.

That worked wonders. The frown line went away.

However given the extreme sunniness during our trip, it was nearly impossible to not squint. I noticed the frown line coming back in full force. I started wearing the tape during the day time.

I was free to squint and frown to my heart's content!

But I quickly began to notice I got weird looks from people in gas stations and rest stops. I would always wonder why until I looked in the bathroom mirror only to discover that I still had the tape on my forehead.

9 times out of 10 I would just leave it.

I mean, with my boobs popping out, who's really going to remember the white medical tape between my eyebrows? No one.

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