Sunday, July 24, 2011

Back In RainyTown

Have been back in the city of my SuperFantabulous birth for about four days. Nothing much has happened, except that I realize I like greenness and hillness and turn-laneness and drinkable waterness much more than I've ever liked anything.

I got up at 2:00 in the morning the day of my flight to get my workout in. Before you think I'm totally bonkers, my six pack made me do it. I have no control over these things anymore.

At the airport I refused to go through the body scanner thing. This resulted in a Big Fucking Deal. This BFD was further enhanced by the fact that I thought I needed an inordinate amount of food for this flight which was taking place mostly when I wouldn't normally be awake to eat anything anyway.

Thus I was in the airport with two unruly, bulky bags that I was 90% sure someone was going to spot and force me to check. That would have proved completely disastrous as everything inside would have exploded out into a mangoey, salady, baked barbecue potatoey mess the second anyone touched them, being that they were packed in the least efficient, most unstable way possible.

So I refused the scanner and was put in a weird little box made of tape on the carpet where the naughty children who refuse to have their bodies irradiated and shown naked on a screen for the endless amusement of the airport security team go.

"Female Opt-Out!" The security guy called out, just in case anyone in the vicinity didn't already realize I was a trouble maker.

Nobody seemed to care and I continued waiting in my box as everyone else went through the scanner and happily went on their way.

'Female Opt Out!" He called again.

This time a really cute woman came over and escorted me and my unruly bags over to the 'pat down area'

She explained that she'd be fondling me in various places to varying degrees of inappropriateness and would I like a privacy screen for this?

"Hell no!" I answered because I want everyone to see pretty much every fabulous thing I do.

The fondling began. It did feel a little strange to be groped in a public place while standing feet apart, arms out and bent upwards, palms flat to the sky, like I'd just been enraptured or something.

Mid scan, the woman found something odd in my bra.

'What's this?' She asked sternly, pointing to the hard square lump between my boobs.

I reached in and discovered I'd clipped my interval timer there after this morning's pre-dawn workout. I had decided that was the safest place for it, given the moist, unruly nature of the rest of my bags.

'That's just a timer.' I said. Trying to not make it sound any more bomb-triggering than it already did.

'Well, I'm going to have to test it.' She took it away and did something to it then brought it back. It passed the test.

I clipped it back between my boobs defiantly and was allowed to go on my way.

I've been in RainyTown without AwesomeCool who went straight from CrazyHellTown to his SuperSucksSoMuch home town in what I like to refer to as the SECOND biggest state in the union (after Texas of course) only because it annoys Alaskans sooooooooo much.

Why would anyone be proud of the size of their state? It's not the size of the state that matters, it's what you do with it. And neither seems to do much of anything but lay there like a dead, smelly fish.

Tomorrow I'm flying to SuperSUPERRainyTown, Alaska to re-join my family. I'm suspecting the transition from 'Single Lady' to mother and wife is going to be rather difficult. It's super fun running around free without any cares in the world, worrying only about myself. Those you you who have not bred yet, totally remember that. Bonus: The crappy dinners I make last much longer!! Yay!

After the rendezvous in Alaska, it's back to CrazyHellTown. Just the thought makes me absolutely crazy and hellish. I guess that means I'll fit right in.

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