Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Adventure Alaska

Here I am stranded in TinyRainyAsFuck Town, Alaska. I despise this place for its rainyness, it's nothing to do but hunt and fishness, its no such thing as organic health food-ness (unless you go out into the rain and harvest it yourself. Shudder) and its not getting dark until 2 am-ness. I am a delicate creature. I need my things. I need my things exactly how I want them.

I brought all manner of riff-raff with me. Uncles, cousins, grandparents. One of each, thank you very much. My peeps roll into town and trouble starts.

The first trouble was that we left from RainyTown where the weather is for once reasonable. We got off the plane in TinyRainyAsFuck town and looked absolutely ridiculous running from the plane to the dinky airport amid icy cold winds and down pouring rain in our shorts and t-shirts. Sigh. Let the locals, perennially decked out in fishing boots and rain gear, think what they will. We're stylin as fuck in any state.

Next came the fishing trouble. Cousin did not bring his ID to the grocery store/pharmacy/sporting goods store. Thus a fishing license was procured for all but him. No big deal. We went down to the fishing pond and let him cast a few anyway.

Little did we know that the local fishing guy/state trooper (hey they have a population of like, two. People need to multi-task) was spying on us. After a few minutes, he shows up and demands fishing licenses.

"I'm not fishing." Said cousin when prompted.

"Don't lie to me. I saw you casting. Would you like to see the video?"

"He was practicing. There was no hook." Uncle said.

"Don't insult my intelligence, sir. I know what I saw. Would you like to see the video?"

"There was no hook. I put it on right after he was done casting, didn't I SuperFantabulous?"

"Yes." I said, thrilled to be unexpectedly drawn into this unfortunate business, "I'm not fishing either." I volunteered, because I totally wasn't. I'm not about to pay to murder fish. That seemed very important to mention at that moment.

He totally ignored me, "Are you going to tell me in the time it took me to pull over here, you put that hook on? I don't like to be lied to. I'm straight with you, you be straight with me. Now are you going to tell me you put that hook on? Now, fishing without a license is a 200 dollar ticket!" He was obviously annoyed.

Luckily, AwesomeCool, who had wandered off to find his license which he had somehow misplaced into the pond water (he's extremely talented that way) showed up license in hand.

You see, AwesomeCool, being from this tiny little town understands a thing or two:

1. Pretty much everyone knows everyone.
2. AweseomeCool may have been living among the civilized a long time, but his parents are still here.
3. His dad is kind of a big deal in TinyRainyAsFuck Town.

AwesomeCool shoved his license in the troopers face.

The deterioration of our relations with the trooper immediately went on a dramatic upswing.

"Oh! I know you." Trooper said smiling approvingly at AwesomeCool, "You look a little different, but I know you."

"Yeah, it's been awhile."

"Well. I'm not gonna give you all a ticket. But I don't want anymore trouble from you folks. You understand?"

We all nodded obediently.

Next adventure. Little Awesome and Mini Fantabulous wanted in on all this fishing drama. Don't try to contemplate the mental acrobatics that go into vegans rationalizing the murder of innocent fish that they're not going to eat. Trust me. In one universe or another it makes sense. Don't hurt yourself trying to figure it out.

AwesomeCool took us out the road (there is only one after all). Out and out and out. Then onto the side road. Then up the side road a mile or two.

He and the girls jumped out of the car. I waited, having not yet bothered with the rain gear and boots, my feet were still wet from our earlier fishing experience and I was freezing my ass off.

I waited until they had assembled their poles and marched off into the wilderness before I began to mentally prepare myself to follow them into the rain. Before I had a chance, the girls were coming back and marching off into the wilderness in another direction.

My kids + wandering off into the wilderness = Instantly lost forever or mauled by a bear

I quickly got out of the car and went after them.

"Where are you going?"
"We were following daddy, but he went to the bathroom."
"We thought he was taking us fishing but I guess he had to take a dump."
"Oh." I said, following them into the wilderness.

Suddenly a thought occurred to me

My kids + Me + Wandering into the wilderness = Instantly, completely lost forever AND mauled by a bear

"Lets go back to the car and wait for your dad."

We went back and waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally it occurred to Little Awesome that AwesomeCool had been gone longer than what could reasonably be attributed to dump time.

I sent the kids to go check the outhouse.

He was not in it.

That was weird.

We went up the trail by the outhouse. No AwesomeCool. We went back to the car. No AwesomeCool. It didn't make sense. He didn't have a fishing pole, he didn't have his kids, where in the hell would he have gone?

We looked down the road, up the road, down paths, checked the stream for his drowned body. Panic started to rise. He had the car keys. I had no mobile reception. If we couldn't find him, we'd have to walk 10 miles back to civilization.

We started screaming his name. No response. I checked the outhouse. I checked the disgusting pit inside the outhouse, thinking he might have somehow fallen in. But he wasn't there. He disappeared without a trace.

At this point I was 90% sure he was dead. I had started planning our trek back down the road toward town. I was picturing myself telling his parents that I'd lost their son.

"AwesomeCoooooooooool!" I yelled.
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaadddddy!" They yelled.

Then finally, "Where the hell are you guys!"

I have never been more overjoyed to hear his voice in my whole life.
We ran down the trail to where he was.

He was less overjoyed to see us. In fact, he was kind of pissed.

Here's why:

He stopped by the outhouse to pee, having said, "Hold on a sec, I'm going to pee."

The girls heard, "Blah, blah, blah. Blablabla."

Naturally, they immediately turned around and headed in the opposite direction where I found them and joined them in wandering down some random trail that was not at all where we were supposed to be going.

AwesomeCool, having emerged from the outhouse seconds later and not finding his kiddies waiting like they were supposed to, assumed they had turned idiot and wandered further up the trail alone, leaving themselves vulnerable to all manner of untimely demise.

He chased after them, having visions of complete lostness and bear maulings running through his head. When he didn't find them, he came back to check at the car (at the exact moment the girls and I were wandering down the random trail).

He went back to the trail by the outhouse and hiked further and further, sure he could hear them just ahead. Sure they were about to get totally eaten by a bear. Sure the trail was going to end at any moment and he could turn around sure they weren't there. After about a mile and a half he decided it would be ridiculous for them to have gone so far. He turned around and the 'happy' reunion ensued.

We immediately packed up the fishing gear and went home. Any lust for murdering fish drained out of our vegan blood (I know. Vegans fishing? What has become of this world? Get over it).

With much prompting from me, AwesomeCool eventually realized that he should be glad his kids weren't idiots and didn't go further up the trail (I omitted the part where I found them wandering down a different trail)

And thus ended day one. Three to go. Prepare yourself, TinyRainyAsFuck Town. It's just gonna get better.


DrugstoreCowgirl said...

You have the most entertaining stories!

Flint said...

Hopefully it got better. :)

Sling Khidorah said...

Looks like adventure is spelled F-A-N-T-A-B- ... I'm not going to take the time to spell it out, but you get the idea.

Sarah said...

You have the most interesting escapades. I love that you refer to Awesomecool as have a dump. Ha!