Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Spin Withdrawl Sucks.

Day five of absolutely no exercise. It's kind of killing me. You might think I enjoy working out but that's soooooooo not the case. I'm in it for the feeling you get the second you're done with all that nonsense and you don't have to do it again for 24 hours. The harder you push during that hour the better the payoff. Sublime.

Just in case any other exercise junkies have put themselves on the sidelines due to dumassery, I've put together a few pointers to get yourself back to furiously turning that spin wheel to the tunes of whatever pop dweeb happens to be number one on the hit list this week. Trust me, it's waaaaaay cooler than it sounds.

1. You should not go to a weight lifting class hours after a grade two quadriceps strain. Especially if you were channeling your much wiser sister through ESP, "Dooooon't dooooooo iiiiiiiit yooooooouuuuu foooooooool!" She said remotely, her thin wavery voice in my head during every squat. Hey, at least I only went half way down.

2. Don't go hiking up steep hillsides the day after that. Just because your ever absent husband is visiting, doesn't mean you have to spend time with him.

3. Don't go to the sauna. While it's good for your injury, you might find yourself sitting next to an F grade celebrity. Sure, without my glasses I had no idea who he was and was not all that interested in replying to any of his attempts at conversation . . . until my sauna friends reminded me of who we was.

Watch out! Although you've always believed you were equally if not more SuperFantabulous than 99.9 % of any celebrity out there and that the rest of the world just hasn't realized it yet, you might find yourself turning to a slobbery, flirty groupie the second you finally realize one has perched next to you and is soliciting a conversation with you. It will be embarrassing. People will remember it.

4. Try to be less of a space cadet. It is not helpful to your quad injury if the minute you hobble down the stairs, you realize you forgot something and have to drag your gimpy ass right back up there. Alternatively, bribe, threaten, beg your teen to go up and fetch your left behind belongings. So far this has only worked once.

5. Don't convince yourself that instead of a grade 2 strain, you actually have a grade three strain (despite all symptoms indicating otherwise) and require surgery, years of rehabilitation and possible amputation.

This will only serve to depress you and make those around you crazy as you listlessly fake pedal to the latest Kei$ha song, a tear in your eye, whining about how you may never get to go into another cycle class again.

6. Make up some less stupid story about how you strained your quad. Flailing wildly with an unruly bag filled with wood pellets on your shoulder sounds fucking dumb. Even slipping in a puddle of your own urine sounds infinitely more cool. Go with that instead.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm going on 5 months with NO running. Be glad it is just a couple of weeks for you!

SuperFantabulous said...

That sucks! You must have slipped in, at least, six puddles of your own urine to be out for that long.

Mr. said...

Blog post was funy, telling an anonymous commenter that they slipped in their own urine (six times), much better.

Jamie Stenstrom said...

Slipped in my own urine? huh?

SuperFantabulous said...

Had I known that was you, I wouldn't have said that! I know you well enough that you don't go around slipping in puddles of your own urine.