Friday, March 18, 2011

Stereo Love

My Wild Teen although at times absolutely confounding has proven to be a much less frightening animal than I anticipated.

She has many astoundingly un-teen traits:

1. She does not like boys. Any boys. No Justin Bieber, no Brad Pitt (despite the dramatic age difference, I kinda thought his sexy was timeless). No one in her class. No one anywhere.

2. Except on rare occasions, all she wants to do at the end of the day is go home and watch The Office or 30 Rock with her mother. What a weirdo.

There are only two things that stop us from living our celibate, shut in, terrible TV show watching lives.

1. The radio. When I first got back, I had everything set up perfectly. We listened to the classical station. She accepted that listening to Mozart and Beethoven while we drove around was just something her little teen ears were going to have to put up with. I mean how could anyone not like a little Moonlight Sonata on the way to school?

Then Mr. AwesomeCool came to RainyTown for a week. And ruined everything.

I came back and suddenly symphonies were not good enough for her anymore.

"Daddy let me listen to the station that plays new songs."
"Well, I hate that station."
"I hate this station! It gives me a headache!"
"Well I like this station! And I don't believe it could possibly give you a headache!"
"It does! Gods! This is so stupid! Why can't I listen to what I want to listen to? I'm in the car too!"
"Because I'm the one that's driving!"
"So? I'm the one that has to be in here with you!"
"Fine. You can listen to it for a little while."

I let her change the station. From that moment on she was the radio gestapo. She switched between two stations that played the same 10 songs on a loop. I learned all the words to all of Bruno Mars's songs by the end of the first week and I was not happy about it. Oh how I've suffered.

From time to I try to re-assert my radio authoritayy and am struck down brutally and immediately.

2. Homework. My Teen believes that if she doesn't understand something immediately, it is the dumbest thing ever and not worth knowing and any attempts to explain it to her are a personal attack. However, she has homework to do, so she asks for help.

I naively offer it.

"So, here's what you have to do." I proceed to explain the problem while she stares blankly ahead, looking incredibly bored and offended. How dare I try to explain math to her? What an inconvenience for her to have to listen to me!

"Are you listening?"I ask, because she's clearly not.
She glances at the paper, "Yes."
"What did I just say?"
She shrugs.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I don't know!"
"But you said you were listening!"
"I was!"
"Then what did I say!"
"I just said! I don't know!"

At this point I feel like I'm in the twilight zone and want to punch myself in the face because it would be less frustrating.

Eventually by the grace of the gods we'll get through the problem without killing each other, then two seconds later:

"I need help."
"Ok." I come look at the problem. It is identical to the one we just battled through, "Are you fucking serious!" I yell.
"What the fuck are you talking about!" She retorts.
"This is exactly like the one we just did! And don't say fuck!"
"Well, I need help!"
"Oh my gods! We just did this! How can you not remember what you just did two seconds ago!"
"I don't remember!"
"Well, how did we do the last one?"

She shrugs, staring blankly into the distance, looking extremely annoyed to be in this situation which she obviously believes has nothing to do with her.

"You don't remember anything we just did to solve the last one?"
She shakes her head, her eyes on the verge of rolling. How is it that she tolerates my insufferable stupidity?

"Well look at the problem we just did!"
"I did!"
"And you have absolutely no idea how we solved that problem."
"I just told you I didn't!"

She goes back to staring into space.

Meanwhile, I'm on the verge of literally exploding into tattered bits from the sheer enormity of my confusion.

Somehow, we get through the second one. Then two seconds later:

"I need help."

I bite my lip to keep from screaming and go over to see what I suspected, yet the thought of which sends icy dread through my heart. Yes. Once again it's the exact same problem. It could be a fucking horror movie, and it's only pre-algebra.


Blackchild said...

How do you know she doesn't like boys? Maybe she just doesn't feel like discussing it with you. And maybe you should observe the grand tradition from the land of kimchi and hire someone else to do the less than enjoyable parts of parenting.

SuperFantabulous said...

You're right. She might think it's weird of me to even ask, however she did tell me about a crush she had in first grade. She said she stopped liking him because he became ugly and that she's never thought anyone was cute again. Oh, young love.