Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Weightless

I don't know if any of you knew this, but there is a very strong correlation between how much you eat and how much you weigh.

I agree! It's totally shocking news!

Were you aware that after a few months of preferring to shoot yourself in the head rather than cook even one more dinner, you could wake up to find yourself looking totally anorexic?

I know. I had no idea either.

I never thought it could happen to me, but it did, so I'm going to give you some of the warning signs, so you can avoid this horrible skeletal predicament.

1. Suddenly, clothes you've had for years and have always fit perfectly are falling off you. A common mistake is to believe your favorite jeans have suddenly become defective. Don't fall into this trap! Your jeans did not become more susceptible to gravity and that is why you 'pants' yourself every time you bend over! Don't think you can buy yourself new pants for Christmas and the problem will be solved!

Or this could happen: You walk to the sauna, in the bikini you've always worn, but somehow, it seems . . . breezier. Confused, you look around for hard breathing gawkers. You are after all a huge hit with the ugly as fuck, 75-85 year old man crowd at this gym, but there are none to be seen.

Then, just as you are about to go in, you catch your reflection in the glass on the sauna door. To your horror, you see that your bikini has crossed from 'revealing' to 'pornographic'. It's hanging off you like baggy grandma underwear, giving everyone a full view at what's behind the spandex curtain. (If this happens to you, definitely, immediately run away and buy yourself swimwear that fits to avoid being arrested for indecent exposure).

2. Suddenly, people are calling you a 'Nike model' when nothing of the sort has ever been said of you before. At first you might think it's an awesome compliment, sweatshop factory bullshit aside. It's not a compliment! Women don't do that! It's written in our DNA to either say nothing or to say something with thinly veiled snark. The Nike thing was thinly veiled snark. What she said was: "You look like a Nike model." What she meant was: "You're so skinny you look like you're about to die. Get out of my spin class before you pass the fuck out."

3. You have periodic episodes of stomach pains coupled with intense lethargy. No, you don't have stomach cancer, idiot. It's called, 'Being hungry!'. Go eat something for fuck's sake!

4. When you can muster the will power to get your inadequately padded ass into the kitchen to make the dreaded, hated demon called 'dinner', you eat, like, half a cup and get full. No, spaghetti does not have magical expanding powers and does not inflate in your stomach. After months of dis-use, much like any other part of your body would, your stomach has shriveled up and died a little. Don't walk away from that plate until you've finished, young lady! Your stomach will stretch! You can do this! Eat! Eat! Eat!


Not to say there aren't advantages to being skeletal. For example, my six pack is more six packy than ever. I can wear weird sizes that were never an option before. I can sleep inside an envelope and I am frequently carried by the wind so I don't have to drive as much!

The only real cure for this horrible wasting disease is for my Megalicious Mr. AweseomeCool to come back and stuff me full of deliciousness.

Wait . . . ewwwww.

2 comments:

DrugstoreCowgirl said...

I'm having the opposite problem right now :(

Ironhead said...

That's a helluva lot of cardio there, Lady Sqlrnutz?

Where's the IRON?