Saturday, February 19, 2011


Lately, I've been stressed out. I tend to not realize this, preferring to ignore unpleasant feelings, until they sulk away, to dark corner where they coalesce into a frightening conglomeration of dark thoughts.

Sometimes these feelings burst out at inappropriate times in the form of some kind of yelling, finger pointing session.

Another, even less pleasant sign that I may have been ignoring things that shouldn't be ignored is that I get cold sores on my nose and mouth.

Thanks to my inferno of application bullshit and my inability to acknowledge my own mental state I got three in a row.

The third time when I felt that familiar tingling on the side of my nose, I was in a killing mood.

"You showed up on the wrong face this time, buddy! I will end you! I will eradicate your village and I will murder your children"

I had read somewhere that garlic was anti-viral. Being the super smarty get to the party that I am, I went straight to my kitchen, and sliced up a clove of garlic and put a thick slab right on my nose.

Well, that burned. A lot. Thanks to my extremely high 'ignoring the unpleasant' capabilities, I was able to withstand it.

Right before I went to bed, I decided to up the ante. Thanks to Mini-Fantabulous's recent run in with lice, I have quite the collection of herbal oil extracts. I picked the strongest smelling one I had (rosemary), drenched a bandage with it and slung it over my nose and went to sleep.

When I woke up, I discovered I had created something akin to what you might see after a chemical peel. My skin was a sheet of crinkled orange goo.

In fact, it looked exactly like what Anthony Bordain might call the "best pig ever" on No Reservations.

I shared this insight with Mini-Fantabulous as I removed my bandage and displayed my perfectly crisped aromatic skin.

"Yeah," She said, "It's exactly like that. You even have added the same ingredients"

"Not all the same ingredients. I have rosemary and garlic, but not salt."

"Well, the salt from your boogers should count."

"Gross. And yeah, I guess it should."

And thus I created the Best Pig Ever right on my face. Anthony would have been so, so, so proud.

Although, he might have felt somewhat differently about rotisserie roasted pigs from that point on.

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