Saturday, January 8, 2011

Phone Wars

When we got back to the US, we felt it would be important for us to have phones so all our many, many prospective employers could contact us to offer us any number of high-paying dream jobs. Since we were pretty sure our homeland sucked and we wouldn't be sticking around, we bought Track Phones.

Actually, I stole my sister's track phone and Mr. AwesomeCool got nothing! Hahaha!

Then I realized that Track Phones are seriously fucked up. They might be cheaper than a contracted plan and the most basic phones are only 10 bucks, but watching your minutes drain away right before your eyes with every call you make or receive, is not cool.

Especially when you get calls from weird area codes, calls from telemearketers, calls asking you if you dialed 911, and every time you get a 'sorry we are not able to come to the phone right now' you see a minute deducted the second it's picked up.

So we went and got a nice, reasonable plan with a very nice guy named Chad at T-Mobile. Then the IPhone thing happened. I went to Chad and since we were with-in our 14 day 'Buyer's Remorse' period, he was able to cancel our contract without hassle and sign up for a new improved plan including Android phones!

Not IPhones, mind you, better than IPhones and on a 4G network (we had no idea what that meant, but we were totally impressed) along with swipe texting and Famous Korean Style Front Facing Cameras!

Further, since it was right before Christmas, we were convinced the kids also needed Android phones on a 4G network.

And since it would only cost 20 bucks more we felt we should all have unlimited talk, text and data along with cool rubbery skins to protect our awesome phones. Chad spent two hours setting the whole thing set up and even drove to another store to get us our phone in the color we wanted.

I was thrilled. We signed our contract and went to pay. Our bill for our phones, skins, activation fees, et cetera came to over 600 bucks.

I was considerably less thrilled.

Still, we'd come this far, I felt it would be super weird to turn back! The last thing I want is for people to think I'm super weird! And Chad drove all over town to find us one in purple!

The minute we walked out of the store it started wearing on me. Not so much the up-front bill, but the $200 dollars a month these phones were going to suck out of our bank account every month.

I kept telling myself it was a good deal. Where else could you get unlimited everything on four phones for only $200 a month.

Then I figured out that, $200 a month over 2 years is almost $5,000. I started thinking about all the things we could do with $5,000. There are a lot of things we could do with $5,000. I began to hate our phones.

There was no other choice but to take them back. Again.

I felt really bad about Chad, but annoying the hell out of him and making him hate me was certainly worth $5,000. Still I wanted to stab him in the back, and not in his face.

Despite Mr. AwesomeCool's protesting, "What about front facing cameras! What about swipe texting!" (Never mind that he's never 'front facing cameraed' or texted anything in his life), we took the phones to a T-Mobile store that Chad did not work at.

They saw through our little ruse, "Sorry, you can only return these phones to the store where you bought them."


So we snuck into the mall where Chad's store resides.

"Put your hood up, walk by and see if he's in there!" I hissed as we hovered outside the door.

Mr. AwesomeCool did as instructed, "He's not in there!" He hissed back.

We went inside. The girl working in there was very busy with an Asian girl who had many problems and didn't seem particularly inclined to solving them without a long-drawn out step by step help session from the one and only clerk.

To kill time, we went out and found a kiosk with cool, spinny-cut metal-covered-in-glitter-paint-with-tails-and-balls-hanging-from-the-end-thingies, designed to be hung from a window so you can gaze at it from inside your house as the wind blows it in circles.

Obviously, we bought two of them.

We went back to T-Mobile, with our sparkly, ball, tail thingies, just as Chad walked in to start his workday.

"Hey, SuperFantabulous! Hey AwesomeCool! What's up?"

"Ummm . . ." We both stared at our feet, "We're returning the phones."


"We're returning the phones."

"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that."

Yes, and I hope you didn't buy your wife something nice for Christmas with the commission you earned on your huge sale, cause you're totally going to have to take it back.

After that, I decided we should just sign up for plan after plan, with mobile company after mobile company and cancel during the buyer's remorse period, just so we can have cool phones and awesome service for a few weeks and not be locked into any contract.

Then a few days after Christmas our bill on those canceled phones arrived.

220 bucks!

I was horrified, but at least it wasn't $5,000. Still it just didn't seem right that I should have to pay such a high bill, so I called the customer service line, demanding reduction!

The first person I called said she'd take $140 off and I paid the remaining balance of $115.

I hung up and realized that $220 minus $140 was not $115.

I called back demanding more reductions! The next person I talked to, took off another $45 bringing it down to $70.

Mr. AwesomeCool said I should just keep calling back until it was zero.

I didn't think that would really work, so I didn't.

Now we're back, exactly where we started. Me with my Track Phone and Mr. AwesomeCool with nothing. Yippeeee!!


Anonymous said...

Dear Superfantbulous I’m delighted to hear you didn’t get sucked into the expensive mindless vortex that is American consumerism and saved yourself five grand in the process even if you probably ended up ruining poor Chad and his family’s Christmas! Anyhow moving on to more important issues, I use your blog to keep up with all of my K-blog news, because you have the only ones worth reading on your blog list, I should probably subscribe on my own but it is far easier to google your blog and follow the links. So please update your blog list specifically Idiot and prestige you been slacking big time. I have important things to do like finish racking up my last ten t thousand dollars of debt for a degree I will never use, and working minimum wage at a shitty retail store full of rude obnoxious boneheads and their spawn. I’m sure you have important things to do too but you signed up for the responsibility of being Superfantbulous and have adoring fans like myself read your blog! So when you have time, could get around to updating your blog roll?

a derelict nut job aka black Cunt

SuperFantabulous said...

I am nothing if not a terminal slacker. Thanks for noticing yet another huge oversight in my blog list, Black Cunt!

Flint said...


I worked at a call center doing customer care for AT&T Wireless in the US. Odds are if you kept calling back you would have eventually got it reduced to nothing. Or if you escalated to a supervisor they would have deducted it all to get you off the phone. That is pretty much how it worked at AT&TW.

DrugstoreCowgirl said...

Hahahaha! That totally sounds like something I would do.

I got a T-Mobile month-to-month phone when I got home. It's only $25 a month for unlimited text and 300 mins a month. But those 300 minutes are gone by the 2nd week of the month usually, then I just have to ignore everyone for the rest of the month.

Berly said...

what the fuck is a track phone?

SuperFantabulous said...

A track phone is a super cheap phone you buy at a store like Target, then you buy the minutes separately in the same store, buying as many as you need and ditching the whole mess whenever the fancy hits you.