Thursday, December 16, 2010

Watching Movies

When I moved in with my Uncle, I found him to be in a very sorry state. His wife had retreated with her goats to Southern Goat Town almost a year ago and hasn't been back since. She left him with several drawers full of movies to entertain himself.

Unfortunately due to her inability to put movies back in their case and put them away, at least 90 percent of the cases are empty.

Given this terrible situation, my Uncle took to watching "The Count of Monte Cristo" over and over again, despite several minutes of glitchy skipping, the start and ends of which he had memorized through compulsive viewing.

Being a fellow fan of terrible movie watching, I took pity on him. I started going to the library and maxing out my terrible movie limit, bringing them home in time for us to sit around the wide screen TV and watch a movie before his 9.30 bedtime.

Then I noticed something appalling. The movies I pick to watch by myself or with Mr. AwesomeCool are not the type of movies you should ever, EVER watch with a parental aged relative.

I discovered a theme in the movies I was picking: Gratuitous violence, gratuitous sex, or best of all gratuitous violent sex.

First I decided a movie about a sex addict (Choke) might be super fun. Angelica Huston was in it! What could go wrong? Gratuitous violent sex is what went wrong.

Next I went for a thriller, Blind, feeling it should be devoid of gratuitous violent sex. Wrong. Halfway through I was cringing through an extended group rape scene.

Then I finally wised up and started reading the rating notes. I picked The Proposition because it only had 'grisly' violence in it. I brought it home, feeling I'd made an excellent choice. Grisly violence! Yay!

I had underestimated how grisly violence could be and as a bonus, there was an unmentioned rape!! What's wrong with those raters? Surprise rapes are not cool.

I still thought it was a great movie, but my Uncle seemed a little stunned at the end.

Finally I tried for a comedy, Cold Souls. My uncle could not get over the fact that people were removing their souls and storing them in a soul storage locker.

"Do you believe you can do that?" He'd say, "They're paying that guy to do that? They must be crazy."

"Yeah, they're crazy." I said.

I took it out and put in a Chinese movie.

"Have you seen this?" I asked.

"Yeah, I started to watch it, but then lost interest."

"Why? Is it boring?"

"Well, it was because of what happens between those three guys at the beginning."

Curiosity got the best of me, I sat down, waiting to see what happened. The movie is about mining. As the three guys descend into the mind I start getting nervous. What if this time it's gratuitous violent gay sex?

I regret my decision.

"It's coming up right here." My uncle says as they guys discus normal every day things.

Suddenly without warning one of the miners takes a pick ax to another's head. The third guy doesn't react, just helps the guy move their friend's dead body out of the way.

I took the movie out. It's PG-13 and under from now on.


Blackchild said...

This post has some really odd logic.

Sarai said...

Loving it - absolutely loving the thought of watching in horror as the movie unfolds. Was laughing my ass off reading this. Thanks.