Monday, November 8, 2010

Why The Fuck Am I Here?

There was fog. Then there were clouds. Then came the rain. I went outside, the wind blew cold, wet drops in my face.

I went to the store. Auntie called. She said Grandma wanted 'Whipped Topping' for her jello. I resisted the urge to give a very detailed lecture on why both those things were the devil. I bought organic heavy whipped cream instead. I'm such a fucking rebel.

I told her we were all moving to Arizona. She agreed, but told me not to forget the 'Whipped Topping'.

"What's so great about Arizona?" Some douchebag who should have been minding his own fucking business and minding his fucking produce cause that was his fucking job and everything.

I looked at him like he was an idiot, "The sun!"

"This is the best place in the world."

"You sound like a Korean." I said as I went to find organic salsa.

"We have the best produce!" He called after me. I found the whole conversation extremely odd. Later he showed up next to me while I was collecting some potatoes.

Somehow, cooking dinner became my job. Tonight I'm making beans and rice bowls with tomatoes, avocados, salsa, onions and corn tortillas. It's going to be delicious.

When the rain and cold started, I immediately became seasonally affected. This disorder caused me to lie in the basement and watch Next Top Model for four hours today. Other people were hammering something and seemed to be working very hard. I kept as flat as possible so people walking by, working, would not notice me.

Then I came up to cook. I discovered a dog eating jello and organic whipped cream off the counter.

"Get the fuck out!" I yelled. Surprisingly he did. But in his terror at being discovered, the jello cup went whipped cream side down onto the floor.

I thought more about Arizona, or Texas, or even Mexico.

I looked at the clock. It seemed early.

Then I realized why, "Today was fucking daylight savings day!!"

It now gets dark at 5.00 PM.

I want to hang myself with a hemp rope like a patchouli weary hippy.

Cause death would be better than this bullshit Oregon winter.

Seriously. What the fuck am I doing here?

2 comments:

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

"We have the best produce!" He called after me. I found the whole conversation extremely odd. Later he showed up next to me while I was collecting some potatoes.

Animal magnetism in its rawest state.

Foreigner Joy said...

Oh yea. I lived in Eureka, California and it would be gray skies a lot of the time.

But I really miss the redwoods.