Saturday, November 20, 2010

Separation

Whenever I tell people that Mr. AwesomeCool is living in Southern Goatville and I'm living in ShitFuckRainyTown, they get a weird expression on their faces. Not because I have strange and profane names for our towns, but because they automatically assume that Mr. AwesomCool and I are separated, separated.

"Ohhhhhhh . . . " They say, then they wait for me to explain the details of our illustrious union's demise.

The true bizarreness of our situation merits a good 15 minutes of explanation, so I often just let them think I'm a single lady, roaming the gym for fat, ugly, 80 year olds to fornicate with.

Mr. AwesomeCool and I have new plans, if ever, my love and I are able to break the wills of our teen and pre-teen offspring and bring the SuperFantabulous family back together again!! Wonder Twins Activate! Form of: Douchey Family!

1. One or both of us are going to get a teaching degree. Thanks to Mr. AwesomCool's drop of Alaska native blood, he has a huge scholarship to any university in the world.

Thanks to my liters of non-Eskimo, poor ass tribe blood, I get nothing. I have two choices to further my dream of bringing my own shining unicorn brand of rainbow education to the lucky children of the world:

a. RainyShitTown University has a scholarship whereby they pay for my teaching license, and when I graduate, I spend 15 months teaching on an Indian reservation. Awesome.

b. Alternative certification through various 'Teaching Fellows' programs whereby I move somewhere where they're so desperate for teachers, they'll let me work in their schools without actually having a license and will give me a license after a six week summer session and a year of weekend classes.

Last weekend, I came up with Little-Awesome and somehow Mr. AwesomeCool tricked me into staying here. He was also mad at me all weekend. I had no idea why and attributed it to him being on his Man-Rag.

I found out much later that he felt I was sexually blackmailing him because my disgust at the state of the 'Swamp Thing Took a Dump and Forgot To Flush' toilet, put me off jumping into the sack with him immediately upon my arrival.

I really don't think it's too much to ask that he clean the toilet when he knows I have issues with bathrooms in general and eliminatory excretions in specific.

At one point he was so grumpy we nearly got in a fist fight at a local vegan hot dog stand. The vegan cheesesteak is to die for. We should have been vibrating with happiness, not shoving each other and shouting in front of the frightened vegans.

"You're embarrassing me!" Hissed my cousin, who was visiting RainyShitFuckTown, because her husband recently signed a job contract here and would be moving from her LessRainyShitFuck Town in a few months.

She was also in a bad mood because she had spent the whole day realizing how much RainyShitFuckTown sucked and how much she didn't want to move here and was not in the mood to watch her 35 year old cousin and her husband acting like a bratty five year olds who were never taught to keep their punchy hands to themselves.

It didn't help that she had gone to Farm Sanctuary to adopt a turkey that morning and had somehow ended up adopting eight turkeys.

As she sat down with her foot long, she took issue with the fact that the counter person wasn't vegetarian.

"I mean, if it's a vegetarian restaurant, why wouldn't you make sure the people you hire are vegetarian."

I nodded in agreement as we all stuffed our faces with isolated soy protein.

Mr. AwesomeCool, being the downer that he is while on his man-rag pointed out that that was discrimination.

Which brings me, belatedly to our second plan:

2. Open up a food cart.

This may seem like a wild (stupid) idea, however Mr. AwesomeCool is probably the awesomest vegan chef ever! Ever!! We've already finalized our menu and are looking into buying a food cart and since we're keeping it in the family, your server will always be vegan.

We still need a name and a significant increase in our 'running a business knowledge', but we're pretty sure that, unless we lose interest, some form of vegan delicacies will be appearing like a ray of shining rainbow-unicorn light in an otherwise horrible city of swamp goo and dirty, wet leaves.

Keep your fingers crossed! Rainbows! Unicorns!

3 comments:

Artsarah said...

Where is this amazing vegan hotdog stand? I didn't know they existed. Also, if you open that vegan foodcart I'll be a loyal customer. Do it!

SuperFantabulous said...

It's on Willamette between 12 & 13th I think.

Sarai said...

Rainbows and unicorns to you too! People are strange... besides, can't wait for the vegan goodness. Ah - vegan food is sooooo tasty!