Saturday, November 6, 2010


The Fam decided it needed an wood stove insert in the fireplace. The guy who's going to put it in called. I answered the phone since my Aunt was out blowing leaves around the yard again.

"I'm at your back door." He said.
"I seriously doubt it." I answered, trying to ignore the innuendo.
"What?" He said.
"There is no back door here."

He was at Grandma's sister's house. Grandma and Grandma's sister are in a semi-feud. Grandma's sister and Grandma are the only ones out here. When Grandma was feeling better, they would feel resentful toward each other about who has more barns, who's doing the right thing with their land, who's got coyote traps and who thinks they suck. We live in the dusty hills far away from civilization. So it's kin of funny that with only two houses to pick from, he would pick the wrong one.

I told him to get his junk away from Grandma's sister's back door.

He came straight up the lane. Because of her breast cancer, my aunt only has one boob. Because of the chemo, she has brain damage which can lead to belligerent behavior. During one such episode, Grandma said, as my aunt ran by shrieking, "There goes 'crazy old one tit'". When she's not being 'crazy old one tit' she wears a bra with a fake boob in it.

My aunt paused in her blowing of leaves around the yard to talk to him. I noticed that her hair was a wild, matted mess sticking straight up. She didn't have her fake boob in. She had a large round wet circle on her shirt and she was wearing her pajama pants.

I tried to smooth down her hair. The Back Door man turned out to be very nice. He didn't seem to mind any of my aunts eccentricities. If I were him, I might have been a little worried for my safety.

They sent him inside with me. Grandma was the only one inside. She takes very strong pain medication. Sometimes it makes her a little loopy.

She started talking to the guy. I don't remember what she said, all I remember that it didn't make any sense. Then she wanted coffee with Ensure. I believe Ensure is the devil. I gave her coffee with coconut milk and agave nectar. She didn't like it, but what can she do? She's stuck in a chair.

The guy finished his measurements and went back outside. My aunt paused her important task of blowing leaves all over the yard. They started talking about chickens and the things that eat them.

It reminded me of the night a few weeks ago that a raccoon broke into the chicken house and killed a chicken and all but two of her babies. That chicken happened to be my chicken. If you go back far enough on my blog, you will find that I had pet chickens and she was one of them.

Crazy Old One Tit went absolutely nuts. Mr. Crazy Old One Tit happened to be visiting at the time. The house was full, so he thought it would be a good idea to sleep in his underwear under the dining room table.

My Aunt swore vengeance on that raccoon. She ran around with a loaded gun, swearing and crying. I was pretty sure someone in the house was going to end up collateral damage. I took Mr. AwesomeCool and the kiddies down to the basement to assure it wasn't going to be them.

In the middle of the night there was a huge ruckus. I went up to see what was going on. The raccoon was back. My Aunt and Uncle were running around with guns and flashlights. Mr. One Tit was still just in his tighty whities.

"Don't you think you should put on some pants before you go shoot that raccoon?" My Aunt said.
"Do you think that raccoon gives a shit one way or the other? Now give me the gun."

In the time it took him to put his pants on, the raccoon was able to make her escape.

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