Friday, November 5, 2010


First of all, I want to know what kind of sick fuck decides to start school at 7.50? Waking up when it's still dark is worse torture than water-boarding. I'm pretty sure.

In other news, I made Korean pumpkin soup for dinner last night.

Everyone groaned in disgust.

"Is that all we're having?"
"Mr. AwesomeCool usually makes a variety!"
"We're used to having 3 or 4 things!"
"What the fuck is that orange goo!"

I held up my antique wooden spoon to silence them.
Me:"Did it ever occur to you that this type of behavior is exactly what ran your former cook off?"

They stared at me with blank faces. Eventually comprehension began to dawn.

Them:"You mean he didn't like doing all the cooking and cleaning?" (*THIS IS AN ACTUAL, SERIOUS QUOTE!*)

Miraculously, I resisted smacking them all in the head with my antique wooden pumpkin spoon. Sigh. "No, I really don't think he did."

Them: "You mean he wanted to leave?"

Them: "We thought it was because you wanted to come down here!"

Them: "Why didn't he say anything?"

I felt kind of bad for them. It seems, my dear, sweet husband didn't feel it appropriate for him to tell my family to fuck off and my dear, sweet family actually believed he enjoyed cooking and cleaning up after them.

Me: He didn't say anything because he's too fucking nice. I'm the Valerie.

Them: What?

There was an episode of House where a psychopath named Valerie came to the hospital (I am not a psychopath). When Valerie was inevitably about to die and needed a risky surgery, they went to her husband to ask permission. He said, "But Valerie usually makes the decisions!"

I looked at Mr. AweseomeCool and said, "That is so us."
He said, "Yeah, that's what I was just thinking."

I'm the Valerie. I usually make the decisions. I make the color coded shore lists. I tell my family to fuck off.

Later I overheard them plotting to oust me and lure Mr. AwesomeCool back here, "Maybe if we say, 'If you cook dinner, we'll do all the dishes.'"

I smiled and went back to my pumpkin soup.

My aunt spent the day blowing leaves all over the yard. Blowing leaves all over the yard took at least four hours. The yard is small, there aren't many leaves yet. I began to wonder if she had gone totally insane.

My aunt is a breast cancer survivor. The chemo gave her brain damage.

Grandpa went out to talk to her about the the yard. She stopped blowing leaves all over the yard. He started making fun of her collection of dead plants. Their sad, papery corpses litter the landscape.

She yelled, "Daddy! You know I'm retarded! You can't expect me to behave like a normal person! Why can't anyone understand that!"

I understand. I understand completely.


Flint said...

"You mean he didn't like doing all the cooking and cleaning?"


Artsarah said...

Your family is awesome. You need to write a book.