Friday, October 29, 2010

Terrible Accusations!!

My BFF and former internet crush (sorry, my Husky Friend, I'm totally in love with Prestige Korea now) has made a serious allegation against his SuperFantabulous.

Here's what he had to say:

Mr. Awesomecool and Superfantabulous left the country and their blogs have become subsequently boring.

My response? I've been to several Asian countries now, therefor I consider myself an expert on all things Roundhead. And I can tell you without a doubt that Koreans are the most ridiculous people on the planet. Some of the things they do, such as beating up little girls on subways, I thought might be an Asian thing. Then I went to other Asian countries and there were no such shenanigans going on.

When I got back to Korea, it all became stunningly clear: Koreans are the most ridiculous people on the planet. I am the most ridiculous person I know. Therefore, Koreans are my people!

Since I've been back I've taken a few things I learned in Korea to heart.

1. I am now a terrible driver. I realize that I can get away with a lot more than I previously thought I could. Why not randomly change lanes and park terribly? Americans on the west coast are suffocatingly polite. They will apologize for being in your way when you nearly run them over while driving on the sidewalk. Why not take advantage of that?

2. I am an extremely aggressive pedestrian. I figure, if I could get a two ton bus packed to bursting with people, going through a red light at 80 miles per hour to stop, I can get Soccer Mom to not run me over while I walk right in front of her while she's trying to park/back up/drive through a green light.

3. I don't believe in personal space. If I want to be where you're at, I will be there. If you're in my way, I will shove past you with a ferocity that verges on sexual assault.

Sure, a ridiculous person among her ridiculous Roundhead nation is far more interesting than a ridiculous person among people who just want to get from point A to point B without any hassle.

However, my dear friend, Kettle, as of late, you have not been leading the most thrilling of lives either.

Studying Korean, washing socks and going to TGI Fridays might have seemed gargantuan amounts of breath-taking in your head, but somehow it just did not get there. (To be fair, I might have stopped breathing due to temporarily dying of boredom.)

Yet, with all this sock washing and Not/Noping he still had time to drop by and give me some advice:

Hey, here's quick fix to the job situation. Have you considered a move to The Republic of Korea to teach English?

I hear there's lot of jobs there.

Don't know if you ever considered it. But just throwing out an option! :)

Trust me. I've considered it. I've considered it so much I plan lessons in my sleep. The girl who replaced me is having a fabulous time at my old 'non'-job. She's dizzyingly happy and I just want to knife her in the throat.

I go look at the jobs on eslcafe, I look at the rain outside, I shove past someone who expects an apology and I want to hop the next flight out of here.

My people are over there. They're waiting for me to get hired to teach English and then spend all my time standing in a corner, blogging about their Roundheadedness or watching terrible TV shows.

The world must be made right again!!


Mister Baekseju said...

I'm myself thinking about getting my TEFL in Ireland and moving back to the Mongol Hord someday. A place nice. Far in the country side, populated by old racist people who will come to love me and call me "Son" after I show them how Mongolized I've been. These few years spent living there definitely changed something inside me.

Anonymous said...

Yeah. Who the hell blogs about washing socks. I've really hit the bottom of the barrel here.

Perhaps I should move onto Blian or Clissy's style and just sell my soul.

Anyways, this post was definitely redemption for you!

As for me... well. Prestige is also my new man crush too! (Sorry Mr. Awesomecool) I would leave me for him too!

SuperFantabulous said...

Mr. Beakseju: Would it kill you to update us every once in a while?

Husker:Your sock washing is 10 times less annoying than anything either of those two have ever written.

Ironhead said...

Getting back home is a bear, all right. I told you it would be. :(

Do I have your express permission to start an official "How Long till Superfantabulous Returns to the Land of the Mongol?" poll over on the board? :)

Come back... sqrlnutz... come back! They've made R.E.M.'s "Shiny Happy People" the official theme song of EPIK here now! We get to to do the Michael Stipe/Kate Pierson Dance now at all official EPIK functions! You'd love it!

As Anthony Quinn says as the Aida ibi Tayi character to Lawrence near the end of Lawrence of Arabia,

"There is only the desert for you."

And for you Lady Sqrlnutz, I say this...

"There is only the Land of the Mongol for you."