Saturday, October 16, 2010


I'm sorry, Zuz, I was lured away. I mean, I still have a gym membership, why not use it? Even so, my return to spin class is fraught with guilt. I love your 15 minutes of torture, Zuz, but every once in a while, I really need an hour of unmitigated pain.

And that's exactly what I got last Wednesday, only it was 45 minutes, thank Jeebus, or I might not have made it through. I was expecting a joyful, jubilant welcome back to the place I used to plan my life around. What I got was an instructor I used to see every Wednesday making comments indicating she was pretty sure she'd never seen me before in her life:

Does anyone need help adjusting their bike?
Adding a gear means turn the dial to the right.
At level 7 you should be working very hard.

Before I left for Korea, I had a circle of gym friends. I was expecting them to all be at that class weeping in gratitude that I've at long last graced them with my presence. None of them were there. I'm back from a year in Korea and they don't even bother to psychically sense that I'm going to the gym and fall all over themselves to welcome me back?

On the way out, I ran into two of them. We screamed and hugged and made plans to meet at the next days spin class. It was a thrilling moment.

Then they stood me up. The only people I knew in the class were a douchebag who didn't speak to me or acknowledge me in any way (probably because I lack the social skill that requires I make some sort of effort to hide the complete disgust and contempt I feel for that creep). Instead he went around the class like he usually does chatting up girls half his age and twice his intelligence.

Then there was the guy I jokingly call 'My Boyfriend'. He's in his 70's, a hardcore republican and easily the ugliest man I've ever seen. We used to sometimes end up in the sauna at the same time. He tell me how he liked tall women and how my hair looked nice when I fixed it a certain way..

One day he said, "Did you watch Oprah today?"
"No." I said, having a feeling I didn't like where this was leading. However my curiosity got the best of me, "Why?"
"It was a program on wife-swapping. Have you ever done anything like that?"
"No." Again I had a feeling I should just leave it at that, but again my curiosity got the better of me, "Have you?"
"Oh yeah, back in the 70's. People did that sort of thing. Would you be interested in something like that?"
I just laughed, because even if I was willing to go through with something like that, I seriously doubt Mr. AwesomeCool would be interested in swapping me for 70 year old tail.

Later he threw 100$ at me and told me to buy my kids some shoes, and not to tell my husband. Which I did. On both counts.

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