Saturday, August 14, 2010

SuperFantabulous China!

In an effort to not bore anyone to death, least of all myself, the following will be a brief summary of my goings ons in China thus far.

1. Bejing. Here we went to the Forbidden City and the Badaling stretch of the great wall. For some reason we picked one of the hottest months of the year and the moment the Chinese kids have their summer vacation to visit these tourist riddled locations. The whole time we were there I kept thinking, "Why are all these Chinese people here? THEY LIVE IN CHINA! Why don't they go visit somewhere else!"

Then I remembered that China is a huge country filled with billions of people. It's not really likely that ALL of them have had a chance to visit these places and at any given moment, a million or two of them could quite possibly get it in their heads that NOW is the time to visit these cultural heritage type sites. Their NOW was also our NOW and much crowding, shoving, trash throwing and nearly dying of heat stroke ensued. In short, If you want to see how many people you can cram into these places, go in the middle of summer when the Chinese are on summer break.


Side Note: To make things even more SuperFantabulous, both Mini-Fantabulous and Little Awesome picked the day we flew out to become disease ridden little pestilence carriers. They spent the first three days feverish, goopy and even less co-operative than they normally are.

Side Note 2: Try to go to a less traveled part of the great wall. Badaling sucks ass. It's overdeveloped with ugly, trashy buildings and millions of people milling around in their Wal-Mart best. The astute among you might be saying, "But SuperFantabulous, haven't you admitted many times in the past that you are fashionally challenged yourself?" To those people I would say, "Shut up." And, "Unless I'm directly in front of a mirror I don't have to look at myself, now do I?" I leave it up to the rest of you to dress appropriately and make my world beautiful for me.


2. Xian. We stayed in a 5 star hotel for about $50 bucks a night. As fabulous as that might sound, it's a little disconcerting to have an army of 'concierges', 'bell-boys' and random people wandering around the lobby at your beck and call. Although I consider myself to be a celebrity in everything I do, no-one else has ever agreed with me, so, sadly, I was not prepared for the star treatment and rarely left the anonymity of my hotel room.

Also, in my never ending quest to make life as difficult as possible, I forbade taxi riding in Xian after our first trip in which we discovered that there were no seat belts and the taxi drivers were even more insane than usual. Thus we exclusively took the bus. We discovered that bus fare can be quite arbitrary, other than that, it really wasn't so bad.

Here we saw the Terracotta Warriors. It had to have been at least 95 degrees that day, not to mention horribly polluted. To make matters even more ridiculous and absurd, the ticket office is at least a mile away from the entrance to the Warriors! By the time we arrived, Mini-Fantabulous was completely wilted and threatening to lay down in the nearest bamboo patch and just die! Mr. AwesomeCool came up and informed me, "I feel like I'm going to throw up." To which I could only laugh. We hadn't even entered the building and we're dropping like flies!

Luckily, everyone was able to hold it together long enough to see the stupid Warriors. By the time we got there we were completely underwhelmed by these lame clay action figures in a pit. We left quickly and didn't care to look back.

3. Chengdu. Pandas, pandas, pandas!
We dropped 300 bucks for Mini-Fantabulous and Little Awesome to hold the fuzzy, black and white beasts.
What should have been a wonderful experience was marred by two factors:

1. We couldn't even go in the room where our kids and the panda were. We saw none of it, though they did take several pictures.
2. A group of Americans got it in their head that a nice, orderly line should be formed in which no one should be allowed to cut or crowd or otherwise infringe on their spot in line. They yelled and lectured and complained loudly as they got shoveed back farther and farther.

I didn't mind because I'm used to it. More likely it was because for once we were the beneficiaries of the Asian amalgamous blob style 'waiting in line'. My kids were among the nefarious 'cutters' having been escorted to the front of the line by our guide. Either way, a fist fight nearly broke out when our guide tried to go to the front of the line to fetch our kids and I had to poke and shout at the most vociferous and loud American to get him to back the fuck off.

But at the end of the day, who cares? My kids held a panda!!

2 comments:

Artsarah said...

"The astute among you might be saying, "But SuperFantabulous, haven't you admitted many times in the past that you are fashionally challenged yourself?" To those people I would say, "Shut up." And, "Unless I'm directly in front of a mirror I don't have to look at myself, now do I?" I leave it up to the rest of you to dress appropriately and make my world beautiful for me."
This is one of the greatest points you may have ever made. I'm asking permission to steal this quote from you. Hell, I'm going to use it anyway so this is more like a warning, I guess.

SuperFantabulous said...

Ok, consider me warned. Now feel free to steal away!