Saturday, June 19, 2010

Adventures in Soju-land II

Mr. AwesomeCool told me last week he had an "English Teacher's Dinner."

"Whatever." I said, expecting him to get out of it. Then yesterday he said, "Remember you're cooking dinner tonight, I have my 'English Teacher's Dinner'."

I was furious. How dare he skip a day of making my dinner just to go to some stupid meeting?? His priorities have obviously become completely out of whack.

I put off making dinner as long as humanly possible, hoping the 'English Teacher's Dinner' would end super early and he'd swoop back home and rescue his kitchen-inept damsel in distress.

At around 8 there was going to be a bloody coup if the masses weren't fed. I boiled some noodles, threw peanut butter on it and called it pad thai.

At 11:00 I realized it was really fucking late. Where the fuck was that dinner ditching douchebag?? I called him.

"Where the fuck are you?"
"Sssssomewhere . . . ssssommme bar."
"You're drunk!!!"
" . . . ."
" . . . . "
" . . . . yesss."
"Come home now!"
"But . . . but, they donnnnn't sssseemm to wannnt to quit."
"So what! That doesn't mean you can't quit!! Quit now and get one of them to take you home!"
" . . . . Ok."

I hung up and realized I'd just told my drunk husband to drunk drive with a drunk Korean.

I called him back. He didn't answer. I was pretty sure they had pulled out of the parking lot and immediately fell into a ditch at high speed and both died.

I thought about how next time around I should try marrying a French guy.

I fell asleep and dreamed I had a tall, fat Korean boyfriend who didn't like me touching him. Aggravating.

When I woke up again, it was almost midnight. I called Mr. AwesomeCool.
"Where are you?"
"They're trryinnng to fffind me a wayyy home."
"Whatever you do, don't get into a car with one of them!!"
"I think they'rrrre callllling me a caaaab."

I hung up. To distract me from thoughts of violent drunk driving deaths, I thought about my future French husband.

Mr. AwesomeCool arrived home an hour later. He stumbled in and went straight to the bathroom . . .
and didn't come out. I got up to investigate.

I pushed open the door to see his hairy, white ass perched on the toilet.

"What are you doing?"

He was not peeing. He was passed out. I went back to bed. I decided I shouldn't count out Jean-Henri just yet, especially when a few seconds later I had to plaster my hands over my ears as Mr. Awesomecool began his typical post-shitfaced 20 minute pukefest.

This morning he had it in his head that being hungover entitled him to lay around all day. He thought he deserved special treatment in his time of self-induced misery. In fact, he was dumb enough to think that I would be so overjoyed that he made it home in one piece that he was entitled him to some very special treatment.

He was really, really wrong.

Instead, he was allowed the privilege of giving me a back massage. Then he was lucky enough to be put in charge of cutting up watermelon for my breakfast. After that, it turned out that that tea he thought he made for himself was actually for me. Before lunch he was treated to massaging my feet. Next, he was put in charge of the laundry and cleaning the toilet. After that it was time for massage number two! For dinner, he took over my womanly salad-making duty and also got to make me wheat-free pancakes and home-made raspberry syrup. In the middle of all that, I got to hit him with a chair and call him a dumbass with impunity.

A pleasant day was had by all. Or at least by me. And that's what matters.


Flint said...

Heh ... will hbe learn from that? :)

SuperFantabulous said...

He will never learn. He's killed too many brain cells for that.

Anonymous said...

This is why so many white guys come to Korea and date Koreans-- the sense of entitlement western girls have for simply existing. I'm not saying what he did was justified, but it happens sometimes and he's already feeling pretty shitty, he doesn't need your bullshit to go with it. You can be sure if you went out and did the same thing, he would be understanding treat you pretty good, but in return you treat him like a bitch. White girl double standards suck.

Anonymous said...

What a horrid bitch you are, and you seem proud of it.

I hope your husband leaves you for an 18 year old Asian girl. He deserves it after putting up with you.

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

What delightful comments you've been receiving lately!

Anonymous said...

My wife is Korean and she'd cut my fucking balls off if I went out and got spew-level drunk with the boys.

White girls sense of entitlement? Mate you've obviously never dated the archetypal bat-shit-insane Korean hottie.

Kimberly said...

This is nothing! Try going to bed alone, falling into a allergy med induced coma, just to be rudely awoken by your husband spewing in your face. I shit you not. IN MY FACE! I wrote a rant on craiglist about it, and everyone told me to leave him. But then who would I torment on a daily basis?

SuperFantabulous said...

Kimberly: That is a much better story than mine. But also infinatly more horrible.