Saturday, April 10, 2010

Puppy Whispering: It's Bad English!

Now that Mr. Giggles has taken up residence in my English office and Mr. Toad is becoming a distant memory, I have finally begun to realize what a weirdo Mr. Toad was. He smelled terrible too. Mr. Giggles might overdo the cologne, but it's better than the traditional "Eau de Stale Kimchi".

Also something remarkable has happened in the classroom. Mr. Giggles has proven himself to be a fucking puppy whisperer. Due to extraordinary magical powers what I thought were unruly little alligators, have become docile little lambs. Mr. G came in and Maria-ed up the Von Trap Lee Kim Parks of the 5th and 6th grade. Even little psycho boy has been straightened up.

He has shown, like Cesar Millan, that there are no bad puppies, only bad puppy handlers. Though I didn't realize it at the time, Mr. Toad was absolutely atrocious with puppies. The puppies under his charge acted out with barking, stealing other puppies toys, scratching, biting and occasionally peeing on the floor.

What Mr. Toad could not accomplish through loud yelling and brute force, Mr Giggles has accomplished via a few simple tricks that can only be described as puppy whispering witchcraft:

1. He holds his hand in the air. He lifts a finger. The kids are compelled by his dark powers to clap once. He lifts three fingers. The kids are compelled by his dark powers to clap three times. He lifts two fingers. The kids are compelled by his dark powers to clap twice. He cycles through a few more times all with the same mysterious results. Then he lifts no fingers and the kids just sit there, obviously completely mesmerized by his sorcery.

2. When the kids have come out from under his spell, he employs another nefarious tactic. He mutters an incantation. His dark powers are so great that the kids have no choice but to echo the spell back to him along with snapping and finger gun pointing. He does this several times, until even the most resistant students are completely under his sorcery.

Unfortunately he has not bothered to use his magic to learn English. Like, the Princess, he prefers to keep things hacking and whining style. Ridiculous phrases that mean nothing in English hold a special appeal to him.

For example. We were doing a lesson on seasons. Shockingly, the unrivaled fourness of The Roundhead Nation's fourlike seasons did not come up once. However that did not stop complete insanity from entering the lesson.

The students were put to the task of describing various attributes of the seasons. He wrote "It's ________." on the board. The point was that kids would be given a season, such as 'Summer' and they could say something like, "It's hot!"

In theory, it sounds like it should work. In practice, for kids with low level English, the whole thing ends up in the crapper with alarming speed.

Mr. Giggles: Season: Winter! It's ______?
Student 1: It's snow!
Mr. G: It's snow! Good! Next student! It's ______?
Student 2: It's Santa Clause!
Mr. G: Yes! It's Santa Clause!
Me: ?
Student 3: It's skate!

I could see we were going down the 'Broken English' road. I tried to rectify it by adding "There is ______" and "There are ______" to the board. Guess what? It didn't help.

Mr. Giggles: Season: Fall! It's ______?
Student 1: It's leaf!
Mr. G: Yes!
Me: There are leaves, actually.
Mr. G: Yes, there are leaf! Next student! It's _____?
Student 2: It's Chuseok!
Mr. G: Very good!
Student 3: It's pumpkin!
Me: There are pumpkins!!

In one of the classes there was a kid, Smarty, that must have been hakwoning it up in English academies because he also found this ugly turn of events extremely disturbing. He enthusiastically joined me in trying to stop this high speed train wreck from becoming fatal to everyone involved.

Mr G: Summer! It's ______?
Student 1: It's swim!
Smarty and I: There is swimming!
Mr G: ?
Student 3: It's vacation!
Mr G: Yes!
Me: No!
Smarty: There is vacation!
Student 2: It's sweat!
Smarty: I sweat! Or you sweat!
Me: Yeah!
Mr G chose to completely ignore our extremely constructive criticism: Next student! It's ______?

Me: It's crapfest!


Flint said...

Heh...that made me chuckle. So glad I don't work with a Korean teacher in the class. I would have had to smack my head against the wall ... or his. :)

Anonymous said...

There is vacation? You are a fucking retard.

SuperFantabulous said...

Flint: That sounds nice. Except there would probably more work involved.

AD: I'm going to forgive you for this because you are obviously not a native speaker and you clearly don't have access to google.