Saturday, March 20, 2010

Superfantabulous Dying From Exhaustion!

What better way to start your weekend than to wake up before seven, fight with your husband then do a diabolical maelstrom of a workout from hell?
None that I can think of!

Lately, I've been passing out during The Wire every night. Terrible TV is my second most powerful addiction. Like all addictions, it makes my life sparkling. It takes my mind off my worries, I can enjoy it with my kids, I can quite whenever I want. An added bonus is that it lulls me to sleep. The more annoying and terrible the TV show the better. Eye rolls followed by a pointed, extremely dramatic eye blinks often lead to instant sleep. It's a magic formula and The Wire gets the job done right.

Thanks to my magic somnolent elixir, I wake up fucking early. This started our Saturday off wrong. Mr. AwesomeCool, took issue with his pre 7:00 am wake-up call (I can't be expected to entertain myself all morning, can I?)

After he was appropriately alert, it was time to discuss the most important issue of the weekend: Our Saturday workout! The Saturday workout is the most crucial, intricately designed workout of the week, because Sunday is our day off, therefore, Saturday has to make up for that by being more strenuous than your average ho-hum M-F workout.

We (by we, I mean I) decided it should be a 600 rep workout. Many exercises, many reps, much porn-type breathing and porn-type sweat. An exiting spectacle for all who happen to have their binoculars pointed into our moving room.

We (I) started things off right:

1. Dive Bombers.

50 dive bombers sounds completely possible, right?
Mr. AwesomeCool rolled his eyes, followed by a strong, pointed blink which nearly sent him back to dreamland. I shook him awake.

When he was properly able to appreciate the tortuous implications of the next few exercises, I let him know what they were:

2. Dynamic Squats
3. Dynamic Push Ups
4. Mr. AwesomeCool was irritated that I was picking such hard exercises, so he retaliated with Hanging Knee Raises.
5. I fought back with Side V Crunch!

Just to let him know I was serious, I also added:
6. Plank Walkover Jump Up
7. Side To Side Hanging Knee Lifts

Mr. AwesomePussy went ballistic!

"You can't do 50 pushups and then do that stupid walkover thing and those hanging stupid knee things! It's impossible! You're not going to be able to hold yourself up!"
"You might not be able to hold yourself up, but I can."
He glowered, but said nothing.
"You pick an exercise then!" I commanded.
"Instead of those?"

He countered with
8. Pull Ups

Now it was my turn to totally lose it.

"What! You can't do 50 push-ups in a row!"
"Maybe you can't, but I can."
"Take pull-ups off!" I snatched at the list and the pen. Unfortunately I didn't have my glasses on and only ended up with black ink all over my hands and a pen cap.
"Hey you said I could pick and exercise! I did, now live with it or do something else instead!"
"No! It has to be the same so the times compare!"
"You mean you want to beat me!"
"The pull-ups stay in!"
"No! I can only do, five before my arms are dead!" I snatched at the paper a second time, with the same results as before.
"You can't even do one!"

In response, I picked these:
9. A Jump Lunge Mountain Climber Combo
10. Pistols
11. Ninja Jump Tucks

I knew very well that neither of us could do even one pistol, and it was doubtful we could do more than 10 ninja jump tucks (actually, Mr. AwesomeClutz can't do even one) but that's what he gets. Now we're doing 50.

I demanded again that he take off the pull ups. He once again managed to resist my advances.

I bargained, "I'll take off ninja jump tucks!" I had never planned on doing 50 of those anyway, so it wasn't hard to give them up.
What an asshole! I pushed him off the bed.

I also relented, we changed ninja jump tucks with

11. One Leg Deadlifts with Jump Us

He finished it off with a somewhat tamer

12. Tricep Dips

Nearly 50 minutes later we were 80% dead. I was nauseous, Mr. AwesomeCool was shaky.
All our plans for the day were quickly thrown out the window in favor of laying in a puddle of our own sweat, moving only just enough to draw each shuddering breath.

This is not how you are supposed to start a weekend.

1 comment:

Mr. Awesomecool said...

I can do a ninja jump tuck! Just because I tore something in my knee, and fell over, does not mean I can't!