Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Phiting!

Today AwesomeCool and I had business to do in town. We are serious business people, imbued with important business endeavors.
As we were importantly aimlessly wandering around the rice-patty town, a group of middle school age kids were astute enough to notice our Longheadedness.

"Where you from?"
"USA."
"You know Ono?"
Whenever I hear Ono, I automatically think, 'Yoko'. It took me a while to catch up.
"I don't like." The silly kid informed me.

I am probably the least patriotic person I know. I am not interested in or in any way living vicariously through Ono. In fact, I felt sorry for those dumb fuck Koreans crashing into each other at the last second of that race.

However, the extreme ricetardedness of blaming Ono for that crash, especially when the Roundheads insisted on playing it on a loop for days and days so that anyone with half a brain could see that the dumb-fuck Korean skaters were perfectly capable and willing to sabotage themselves, thus needing no help from Ono to ruin their chances at a silver and bronze medal, causes me physical pain from the sheer dumbassedness of it.

So, by perpetrating fucktardedness in my presence, that stupid kid instantly transformed me into Ono's biggest fan.

"I fucking love Ono!!" I yelled.
He shook his head.
"Ono is best!!" I yelled louder.
"I don't like." He mumbled.
"I like very much! Yay Ono!" I did a little cheer in Ono's honor.
I tried to think of other contentious American athletes I could provoke that kid and his ilk with, but they disappeared into a grocery store.

"Go Ono!" I yelled to no one in particular. I didn't want any of the Roundhead villagers to miss out on my decisive pro-Ono stance.

For some reason, AwesomCool was not interested in brawling with a large group village Roundheads. He started walking a few paces away from me.

"I don't know you. I don't know who this woman is. She's just following me around cause we're both American and she thinks that means something."

After that we went into a glasses shop so I could once again join the land of the seeing. The guy behind the counter took some frames out and twisted and smashed them right in front of my face.

I thought he might have listened in on my Pro-Ono diatribe and was destroying his products in revenge. I raised my fists, prepared to defend my Half-Roundhead compatriot to the death, but alas, he was only showing me the indestructible nature of his frames. I was mildly intrigued, so I bought them.

I tried to emphasize that I was only buying them on the condition that he make the lenses as thin as possible. My complete and total blindness tends to make glasses buying tricky business. It takes a lot of extra work to make my lenses of less than coke bottle thickness. I wasn't sure he was up to the task.

About 10 minutes later I had new glasses. I was extremely impressed. They were not coke bottle, they were indestructible and they only cost about $75.

I went outside in my new glasses. I was so overjoyed at being able to clearly see each spit wad on the sidewalk, each piece of trash rolling down the street, each horrified stare that I burst into jubilant song:

"Ono! Ono! Ono! Ono! Ono is very best!! Phiting Ono!"

And why shouldn't I enrage a whole village of meandering Roundheads? I have indestructible glasses. I could take many blows to the face and my glasses would still be intact.

6 comments:

LouDog said...

You are seriously going to get us tared and feathered.

Flint said...

I had to fuck with my co-workers and students a bit. I got itred of all the Kim YunA hype.

I would start every class Friday saying "Did you see the gold medal win?" Everyone would go "Yes!" I would say "It was fantastic!" They would all agree. Then I would drop the bomb "The Canadian Women's Hockey Team win the Gold Medal again!!!!"

You could see the wind go out of their sails. The looks of shock and confusion start to come on their faces. Then I would mutter. "Oh yeah and Kim YunA won gold too."

I did this to my co-workers first. Never failed to work. :)

Mister Baekseju said...

I like Ohno's style. When I told that to my wife she stopped to talk to me for 2 straight days.

SuperFantabulous said...

I can't even spell his name right, but he's still my hero.

Anonymous said...

Hey thanks for the post you fucktard!!! You are so smart! I love your fucktard style. The hell with the natives. They are so below you it's not even funny. I'm glad a person like you exist. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not smart. It's real obvious you are just so much better than these mutants!! I mean seriously, are they even human? They are so lucky that you are in Korea when your talents were so in demand in America!! Phiting!!!

Jason Lee said...

LOL... Even though I am guessing your heavyset and unattractive, your a immensely funny blogger. Keep on bloggin!!! ;-D

- J