Monday, January 18, 2010

Wild Things

I'm sorry to inform everyone that my kids have gone completely feral. Without the institutionalized structure of the modern education system in the US, they have taken to living in the trees just outside our apartment, subsisting on the peppers and eggplant people put on rocks and sidewalks to dry.

If we want them to come inside, for civilized discourse, or because they are frightening the natives with their pale skin and freaky blue/green eyes, we have to go outside with sticks and shake them out of the trees.

They have, sadly, already forgotten their native tongue and now communicate in an irritating, grunting, hacking, high pitched whine. Oh wait . . no . . . that's just Korean they're speaking.

Children need discipline and structured learning! Let them go a few months without waking up at the crack of dawn and going somewhere to sit at a desk drone-like, you will see what happens.

Oh, how will they survive without ever having learned geometry! What will happen if they ever need to triangulate something?! I lay awake at night, listening to them howl at the moon outside my window because I don't know, I just don't know.

Or what about the valuable skill of standing quietly in a line? Or standing quietly in a line and waiting for a bunch of other, less disciplined fuckers to calm the fuck down and just get in the fucking line and shut the fuck up so we can all go in our fucking quite line and eat some goddam lunch!!

My poor children, I've really ruined their lives by coming to Korea. They will never be skilled desk-drone-sitters, they won't excel at quite-line-standing, and worst of all, if they are ever lost at sea, how the fuck are they going to triangulate their way out of that shit?? I don't know. I. Just. Don't. Know.


Enormous Plumes of Smoke said...

Sounds like you need a punishment stick.

SuperFantabulous said...

Mine is called Thumpy.