Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Plague

Those of you not in Korea, but have been around the male sector of the species should be familiar with the 'Man Flu'. Man Flu is a deadly disease a man gets that to you, silly woman, might appear to be nothing more than the sniffles, but woe!!

The sound of your voice saying anything other than, "Yes, Sweety, I'll fix you some soup/jerk you off," causes his head to feel like it is about to explode! Any movement, unless there is the promise of sexual favors at the end of it, causes excruciating body cramps! In fact, with his body so wracked in agony, the only way he can get across to you the misery he feels is by squinting his eyes so that they're nearly shut and open-mouth breathing through his grimace.

Now multiply that by a billion and you have Korea. Here, nobody is immune, the Man Flu crosses all gender, age, and socio-economic boundaries. You will see people making faces like they're about to shit their pants, limping around, gasping for breath, eyes clamped shut because, who wants to see death staring them in the face? Nobody, that's who!

In class I've had kids sighing loudly, laying their heads on the desk dramatically and if for some reason they have to stand up, it is with momentous, agonizing effort. Strangely, once they're out of school, they promptly make a miraculous and full recovery.

Pregnancy is a variant of the Man Flu. They haven't gotten the memo in Korea that those little fetuses are actually pretty tenacious and intent on clinging to the walls of your uterus like a deranged spider monkey on steroids.

One of the teachers at my school is pregnant and waaaaay back in October when I was still a proud member of the Social Club and we hiked up a mountain, I asked her if she would be going with us.

She laughed in my face, "No! I'm pregnant!"

Oh! I'm sorry! How stupid of me to think that someone who is, like, a month pregnant is perfectly capable of taking a stroll up a hill! Hell, I was taking strolls up hills when I was nine months pregnant. Then again, I'm kind of a bad ass. Walking up hills and shit when I'm pregnant. Sheeeeiit . . .

Anyway, several months later, she's probably four months pregnant and the mere act of moving from one side of the room to the other has become a death defying feat. Maybe it would help if she didn't wear six inch platform heals, I don't know, I'm not experienced in Korean-style pregnancy, but I think it would help. As it is, she hobbles around holding her belly like she's got an enormous ball of lead under her shirt that is trying to claw it's way out.

Makes me have unpleasant New Moon flashbacks. Now I have to go read something literary and with big words and stuff, just to get the taste out of my mouth.

4 comments:

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

"Yes, Sweety, I'll fix you some soup/jerk you off"

There has to be a way to kill two birds with one stroke here.

SuperFantabulous said...

Haha! I'll leave it up to you to figure out how to keep from getting scalded in the process.

LouDog said...

When was the last time you got me soup/jerked me off anyway?
Oh, and those hills you went up nine months pregnant? Do you remember me struggling to push you and your giant belly up those hills?
Sheeiit.

SuperFantabulous said...

Hey, it's the thought that counts, right? Especially if I don't act on it.