Thursday, January 21, 2010


A sure-fire way for your blog to become wildly popular is to move to South Korea and bitch about every conceivable aspect of living here. There are thousands of expats (myself included) who can't function without their daily dose of expat misery.

Living in Korea is amusing at best and infuriating at worst. Some of you will find it off-putting that you move across the world to become English teachers only to quickly discover that nobody ever intended for you to teach Jackwoo shit. Instead, after being sealed to the REAL Englishee teacher, the expert on all things Englishee and Amelican (if you weren't American before, you're American now) you will be paraded around like an exotic pet, doing a few tricks here and there but otherwise serving no discernable function.

Your dreams of making a difference and having a magical year of wondrous bonding and personal betterment are quickly flushed down the squat-style toilet (don't forget to bring the toilet paper in with you! There will be none inside the stall where you actually need it!) Instead, you will spend your days teaching the kids how a bored American looks when she/he stands quietly in a corner.

Either that, or without any instruction or advice you will be thrown into a class of 40 screaming, punching, kicking students and be expected to have them all fluent by the end of the day.

The Korean teaching staff will welcome you into the academic community by speaking to you exclusively in Korean. After about a month of you saying, "I don't speak Korean" they will figure out that you can't speak Korean (how weird and disappointing of you!)

Once the language barrier has been realized, they bridge it by means of English so broken it resembles a finely ground sand by the time it finally reaches your eardrums. They will labor tirelessly to discover a few things about you. Do they want to know about the city you are from? The food you eat there? The activities you engaged in in your home country (America)?

No. Koreans have only one disadvantage and that is that it isn't super fun for them to brag to each other about how wonderful their country is. Everyone here already knows that! They can only pat each other on the back, reveling in the blissful knowledge that they live in the greatest society that ever existed for so long before it gets boring.

Now that they've got you here, they want to know how wonderful you think Korea is. You will quickly learn the following truths: Kimchi is the food of the gods (and Koreans know ambrosia, having traveled to ancient Greece and invented civilization), the Japanese suck more than anything has ever sucked before (and Korean's know sucking, having also invented the blow job), Korean women are the most beautiful on the planet (but keep your goddamn filthy hands off them!), Korean seasons are best (because there are four of them and Korea's four seasons are more fourlike than any others on Earth!)

Once they are satisfied that you have learned those facts, you are no longer interesting. They still secretly think you're a rock star because of your wide eyes and long head, but they're also annoyed that you constantly remind them of their own inadequacies. Korean's don't like to be confronted with the realization that when it comes to dick-length and rack-size, Korea may not always be best! Oh, the paradox nearly fries their brains!

It's kind of like having Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as houseguests. At first you're content to bask in their beauty and are fascinated by everything they do, but after a while you wish they'd just go away so you can go back to wearing your velour sweatsuit all day and taking a dump with the bathroom door open. You don't want them prancing around in their fairy wing dressing gowns and farting butterflies forever! It makes you seem slightly less cool by comparison!

So that is the loveeee/hateeee relationships awaiting you in Korea, if you choose to accept the challenge, you better blog about it! Otherwise, you're just a long-head taking up space.


Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

This made me laugh, even more so as I read it while at 'work'.

SuperFantabulous said...

Haha! Yeah, 'work' is how I usually describe it also.

LouDog said...

And I thought they liked me for my personality, not my long head, wide eyes and more than "fun sized" Dick.