Thursday, December 24, 2009

Epiphany

I realized three things today. The first was that tomorrow is Christmas. The second is that I haven't left the house in five days. The third we'll get to later.
I was right in the middle of watching a special needs girly movie "He's Just Not That Into You," when the first realization hit me.
"Holy shit! Tomorrow is Christmas! I have to buy my kids some presents!"
So, dutiful mother than I am, I paused the movie and left the house immediately.
"I'm going out . . . to get some . . . things." I mumble as I make my way to the door, holding a giant sized present hiding bag under my arm.
My kids were not that interested.
"Ok." Said the elder, not even bothering to look up from "The Family Guy."
"Whatcha gettin?" The younger inquired, eyes remaining glued to this:

Kid 2 is in the middle of a G=Dragon bender and can't be bothered with silly things like being unexpectedly left home alone!
"Oh, I'm just . . . getting some . . . stuff."
An acceptable answer, "Oh, Ok!" Kid 2 cheerfully.
In the entryway, the shoes scattered around like a Payless exploded sparks a brilliant idea: I pull a paper out of my pocket and grab one of the Elder's shoes. I stretch the paper out and put the shoe carefully on top of it. I put the heel at the edge and mark where the tip of the shoe ends. I do the same with the younger's. Weird Korean shoe sizes be damned! I don't need no conversion chart! Pshaw!
I walk to town and start browsing for shoes. I go into the first shop I find, they don't have anything big enough for the Elder. In Korea, things come in miniature. Kid 1's size 7s are at the upper end of the spectrum.
I go into the second store I find. It is incredibly small. There are really cute things, but it smells like fried shrimp and when I make it around the only rack in there I see why. There's a group of people having dinner at a table by the cash register. They stare up at me. I stare at them. I feel like I just burst in to some random family's house at meal time. To make matters worse, they're all looking at me like I'm some giant American woman who just randomly showed up inside their house at dinner!! I feel like I've worn out my tenuous welcome, so I leave.
By the time I get to the third store, I've reached my limit for awkward shopping moments. The first thing I see are some garishly colored fake uggs. Fuggs. Without hesitating, I decide I'll get those.
The guy working there sidles up to me, ever willing to be overly helpful. I pull out my paper with the shoe markings. I put one of the fuggs on the paper. The guy is naturally impressed by my system. I can tell because he laughs and slaps his forhead. The fugg in question is too small.
"Bigger?" I ask, motioning with my fingers that it needs a few more milimeters. He understands and fetches the next size up. Brilliant!
Now for the younger. I put the smallest one I can find on my paper. It is waaaaay too big!
"Smaller?" I ask, showing him the bigness of this particular shoe.
"No, no, no, no!" He shakes his head vigorously. How could I even think such a thing?
"Ok, I'll take these then."
At this point he ups the ante. He tells me something about if I buy three, I get a discount. I laugh in his face. My feet? Fit into Korean shoes? Ha!
I assure him that I will just take the two. For some reason I still get the discount.
I walk away happy. Then, about a block away I have realization number three: I suck at shopping! What was I thinking? Fuggs?? They're so fuggly! The Younger's are at least three sizes too big, and the Elder's are just barely longer than the line I drew which means that they'll just barely fit now and will be grown out of immediately. Merry Christmas, kids! Your Mom sucks!

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