Saturday, May 23, 2009


Normally when missionaries come to my door, I smile and nod, cause I find it interesting, this whole faith thing. But Jesus Christ!! They've been coming around like a plague of locusts lately!! So today when two of them showed up and one asked if I had faith in JC I was brutally honest.
"No. We're atheists and we're happy that way."
"Can I ask you what led you to that belief?"
"Just that there's no evidence of god and the fact that people who pray get what they want at about the same rate as people who don't."
Then he said something about the beautiful earth, waving toward our front yard/gravel pit/meadow, which is not beautiful and was made that way by our severely impaired landscaping/gardening/not giving a shit. I was also on the phone with Mr. AwesomeCool who said:
"Tell him we don't need his invisible sky master!!"
I didn't say that, although, after the braveness I exhibited last night, I'm feeling a lot more ballsy.
The missionary being privy to none of this, continued his spiel, "If you ask our lord jesus to come into your life you could be much happier and-"
I had to interrupt him, due to my newfound ballsiness, "I'm much happier as an atheist than I ever was as a religious person." That is god's honest truth. Once I forced myself to stop worrying once and for all about being smited (smote?) by god, which is actually really hard because god doesn't just punish you, he'll go after your family, like some kind of mafia maniac (just ask Job), my mental well being improved immensely.
He continued on, "Well, through jesus, you get to live forever in the kingdom of heaven and you don't have to be afraid of losing your family in the afterlife and-"
Ballsiness once again forced me to interrupt, "I'm not afraid of being dead and not seeing my family anymore."
"Really? Then you're a stronger person than I am because I am scared to death of losing my family." He actually said that.
I didn't tell him that I have a strong belief that once you are dead, you don't have the capacity to worry about seeing your family, because your brain ceases to function.
Then he invited me to ask god to come into my life.
Been there, done that. Didn't happen.
And then he went on his way, probably fearing for my soul.


Enormous Plumes of Smoke said...

This might be my most favorite post of yours ever.

Expat Wannabe said...

Thanks! But be warned, that might cause you to burn in hell with me.