Monday, March 30, 2009

That Man of Mine

On FaceBook people have been writing 25 random facts about themselves. I put one up, but only made it to 19 and everyone ignored it. I'm stealing these from Mr. AwesomeCool because they're funny and I'm too lazy to think of my own.

1. I am a terible spellar.

2. I am only a vegan because my wife made me, but now I would not want to live any other way. Except any time we ever go out to eat at non-vegan restaurants.

3. We never go out to eat, because 1. we are vegan 2. my wife refuses to eat anywhere that serves any meat. 3. She is "allergic to soy" so that eliminates the one vegan restaurant in town. 4. I have also cursed myself with being the best vegan chief in town/ the Universe, so anytime we eat out we say "This is not as good as the stuff I make."

4. I have a deep rooted fear of being attacked while swimming this includes by sharks in any body of water, including swimming pools. I often have panic attacks when swimming in lakes and rivers for fear of mysterious swamp monsters and rouge alligators.

5. I act like I am not afraid of the dark to impress my wife and kids. Really I would like nothing better than to use them as human shields from boogie men, but that would appear less than macho.

6. I seem to have some form of AADD where I get really enthusiastic about some project and get started doing it, but lose interest or decided its too hard half way into it. Thus my house is missing half its trim, the kitchen is missing paint on part of one wall, the tree house has 1/4 of the roof finished, and the front yard looks like a war zone.

7. I have been to Europe, this has been so far the crowning achievement in my life. I never thought that I would do it, but it was definitely something that I wanted to do before I died, and no matter how much it cost me, it was so totally worth it.

8. I must be the only person from Cordova who does not think it was the most totally rad excellent place in the world. It seems like every fucking person who moved away pines about it, and everyone who either moved back or still lives there thinks its a god damn paradise. Maybe its just because I dont hunt of fish anymore, but beyond that... What is there to do in that town? I remember the good times sure, and it is really pretty, but I also remember being out of my fucking mind with boredom! Other thank killing either defenseless animals or brain cells there is literally nothing to do! Half the time the low tide makes it smell like a corpse wrapped in garbage, and one summer it rained every single fucking day. I don't miss it one bit.

9. I want nothing more right now than to leave America.

10. I truly believe that my wife will not be happy with any place we move to.

11. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

12. I probably never will.

13. In my heart, I still believe that it is not too late to become a ninja.

14. I have an art degree. It is probably the most useless and expensive thing I own.

15. I hate the sound of my own voice, I think I sound like a deaf retard when I listen to recordings of it.

16. We probably have a few thousand pictures of our family, we never throw any of any of them away, but I am probably in less than 20 of the pictures.

17. I found out that I really enjoy being around retarded people. Not normal people who act retarded, but actually mentally retarded people. They are really fun to be around.

18. I have never spanked or hit my kids and I think they behave better for it, I was spanked and was a little shit, the kids I see get spanked are little assholes.

19. Although I am good at cooking, and making deserts, I suck at baking. I don't know why, but I cant make a loaf of bread or cake for shit. Anything else is awesome, but for some reason the art of baking eludes me. Its probably because I only use whole grains.

20. I prefer to blame my wife for all my problems. That's probably her fault.

21. I don't like most people. I am nice to most people, but I really don't want to be friends with them.

22. I hate other peoples kids. I don't mean that I don't like them, I truly hate them. I know my kids are not perfect, but I really hate other children, I dont think your kids are cute, I don't want to hear stories about them or see their baby pictures, and I don't want to hold your fucking baby. There are of course exceptions, I like some kids who are related to me, but not all of them, some I want to punch. They know who they are. The only kid not either mine or in my family that I ever truly liked was an Autistic boy who was our neighbor. He fell down and hurt himself one time and he ran to me instead of his mother, she was crushed that he did not want to be comforted by her, but my tiny heart grew two sizes that day, and now I need medication for my enlarged heart. Now do you see why I don't like kids!

23. I think that I am really, really funny. Sometimes I laugh so hard at things that I say or think that I cry.

24. Sometimes I am literally amazed by my own stupidity. My ability to do truly idiotic things is so incredible that I am in awe. I marvel at the mistakes I make, and wonder how I have survived in this world as long as I have.

25. When I watch something sad or moving I usually cry, but try to hide it. Especially from my wife who will tease me about it. There is something in my eye right now, it must be my allergies.

2 comments:

LouDog said...

HA! What a pussy, you should dump that fag and go out with me!

Expat Wannabe said...

Are you Brad Pitt?