Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Nightmares

You know how when you dream you're falling and you jolt awake right before you hit the ground? I have a similar failsafe for dreams that are emotionally distressing. I wake up, not instantaneously, but my brain decides its had enough and I wake up. In between deciding to wake up and actually waking up, there is a moment where I still believe the dream is real and the following moment when I am almost fully awake and am flooded with relief that the dream was just a dream. This happened a few nights ago.
I was dreaming that I was in bed, next to the husband and it just sort of popped out of me while I was half asleep. I got up and in the bed where I had been laying, there was a pile of baby parts. A bit of hair, an arm, some organs. Not at all assembled. And while I was disgusted and perplexed, I went to the bathroom to wash up relieved that there wasn't a baby to take care of in that mess.
When I got back from the bathroom, the baby had magically assembled and my husband was holding her. He seemed to be rather pleased with the situation. I was not. He layed her on the bed and I thought to myself,"How did this happen? Why didn't I notice I was pregnant? Why didn't I abort her when I had the chance?" Then I accepted the fact that it was too late for that and I turned toward infanticide. I decided I could smother her and be done with it. But I was worried about getting caught. Then I thought I could give her up for adoption. The husband had the baby in his arms at this point.
"I'm putting it up for adoption!" I announced before he could get too attached. She was rather cute after all.
"You can't do that!"
"Why not?" Visions of middle of the night feedings and diaper changes raced through my mind. Potty training! Tantrums! Contributing to out of control population growth!Being a 40 year old mother of a first grader! I could not keep that baby!
I thought of some family members that might take her but as I looked at her tiny feet and fuzzy light brown hair, the fact that this was my baby and I was not going to be able to get rid of her was sinking in and my anguish grew to such proportions that I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to wake up. Ahhhhhh! Sweet Jesus! I still only have two kids! Two kids that can practically take care of themselves! I am slowly becoming superfluous and I love it. Those dark days of babyhood are long, long behind me. I hope. I wonder if my Spanish health insurance covers tubal ligation.

2 comments:

Jamie Stenstrom said...

Don't worry, if you have a baby I will take her...and still let you visit her sometimes :)

Expat Wannabe said...

Haha! Sometimes is good.