Saturday, January 26, 2008

Adventures at The Gym!

I'm sure you didn't know the gym could be exciting. In fact, the ride to the gym can be dangerous territory as a woman in a giant green suburban screams at me and calls me names for riding on the sidewalk if our paths happen to cross. As if I'm going to listen to a grown woman throwing temper tantrums from the safety of her juggernaut of an SUV.
But onto the true topic of this session: Spin class!
Now, there are spinners and there are SPINNERS.
For the most part, I fall into the former category. We are the people who will wander into a spin class, have a good workout and move on. SPINNERS clear their schedule in order to get to spin class at least an hour early to pick out their bike and be first on the sign up list. Once their name is on the coveted list, they head down to the spin room, carefully pick out their bike and guard it jealously, growling and snapping at anyone who deigns to come within a five foot radius of it. After they are sure their bike is safe from the other prowling SPINNERS, they spend the next half an hour adjusting, testing, adjusting, testing until they've worked up a sweat from hopping off and on the bike about fifty times. When they are satisfied that the seat, handlebars, pedals are tweaked to within an inch of their lives, the SPINNERS ascend their thrones. They fiddle with the resistance, they meticulously arrange their sweat rag and water bottle, they practice their determined expressions in the mirror.
Finally the class starts. The SPINNERS are ready! They want the music loud! Louder! LOUDER! (At this point, us spinners are bleeding from the ears and nearly being knocked off our bikes from the resonance emanating from the speakers.) They've got their game faces on, staring intensely at themselves in the mirror, never blinking, never breaking eye contact. The instructor yells, "Sprint!" The SPINNERS go so incredibly fast their legs become invisible and their asses vibrate precariously on the unforgiving seats. When they are able to catch their breaths, they utter their mating call, "Wooooo!" If they are really feeling it, they'll go for the double, "Woooo! Woooooooo!" Other SPINNERS answer the call and a cacophony of "Woooooing!" nearly drowns out the music.
When the class is over, the SPINNERS have left their mark: A puddle of sweat under their bike. They drink the rest of their water and congratulate each other with high fives and exclamations of, "That was an awesome class!"
By this time, I'm usually heading back to the sauna. The SPINNERS are still in the spin room rehashing the class, "Remember when we did, like, a minute long sprint and then after thirty seconds rest we did another one? Man, that was awesome!"
I've come to know a few of the SPINNERS and have struggled to forgive them their obsessive quirks. For example, many of them will leave if they don't make it on the sign up sheet. They'd rather have no work out if they can't have a spin workout.
Lately the whole spin thing has become really irritating to me. The clamoring for bikes, the sycophant behavior displayed toward the spin instructors, the spin instructors starting to buy into it and feeling their jobs are way more important than they are (you're teaching a spin class, not saving the world!) So today some of my SPINNER friends came into the sauna, shocked that I had purposefully not gone to spin class. I must be mentally deranged to go to the gym for any other reason!
"Why weren't you there?" A particularly bouncy assed woman asked.
"It was a great class! So and so left early, you could have taken their bike, why didn't you?" A profusely sweaty man asked.
"Spin class is stupid."
They stared at me, faces twitching, trying to figure out what I actually meant, since what I said couldn't possibly be what I really thought!
But yes, alas! I've had enough of spin for a while and I've definitely had enough spinners.


Kimberly said...

Um yeah. The sign up sheet thing reminds me of about 15 or so years ago when the "Stair Stepper" ws the latest thing. I jumped up on one once at my old gym not realizeing their was a waiting list and a time limit. The Stair Stepper police came over to me to politely inform me of the rules with pissed off house wife glaring at me from behind.

Expat Wannabe said...

Yeah! I totally remember that! Everybody wanted to be on that thing!